Lindsay Lohan to Play Self In Upcoming Futuristic Autobiography

Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Source: Here

Lindsay Lohan is set to play a “nymphomaniac waitress” in the upcoming autobiographical movie Florence. The movie takes place 10 years in the future when Lohan has been run out of Hollywood and is now scrounging for tips at a seedy diner in West Compton. Lohan has co-authored the script, which has been called "an uncanny representation of what she will eventually become." One source close to the film called her depiction of a nymphomaniac waitress as "straight from the heart" and "more authentic than a Paris Hilton STD."

Rumors around the set indicate that Lohan will perform an explicit sex scene with full frontal nudity. Producers originally asked her to do a topless scene, but she reportedly countered with a "full frontal" offer. According to one source, Lohan kept upping the ante. "First she said she'd go topless, then she offered to fully strip down, then she offered to spread her ass cheeks. At one point she even offered to whip out her wang, but the producers called her bluff. They reminded her that she's a woman and doesn't have a wang."

Lohan reportedly wants to show that she's still "got it" as both an actress and a naked slut. No word yet from the Hilton or Kardashian camps on this new challenge to their "slut authority." The former bulimic teen queen's salary has not been disclosed, but sources close to the set indicate that she's being paid in methadone as mandated by a court order.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Teen Queen, Lohan Naked, Florence

Hey American Airlines, Why Did You Cancel My Flight?

Howdy American Airlines,

I don't respect you much. Why did you get all crazy and cancel my flight yesterday? Can't you see how hot I am? Look at me all sexed up in my purple outfit. I'm so hot that I have to have a mirror reflection of myself so you can see my hotness twice. And yet you cancel my flight? That don't make a heckuva lotta sense. I'm too hot to be grounded. I should be flying high like the beautiful Canadian that I am. Canadians love to fly. Heck we invented flying back in the 1970s. Aw shucks, I'm just kidding, but I'm really quite serious about being grounded. It peeves me. Peeves peeves peeves peeves me that you'd ground me, Shania Twain.

Others have a right to be grounded, but others don't have a sexy purple outfit either. No response to that one, right? Right. Then it's settled, you'll reschedule my flight ASAP so I can get to the important places that I need to be. For example, I'm opening a mall in Tulsa. Yeah, my career is HOT right now! Hot like my purple ass. A purple ass that should always be flying high in the friendly skies. I know that ain't your slogan, but it should be. Cuz when you've got a hot patootie like me on your plane, your skies are much friendlier. By the way, I give great head.

Love,
Shania Twain




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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Shania Twain, American Airlines, Patootie

Pam Anderson Single Again; Rick Moranis Wants To Hit That

Hot damn!

Pam, call me! What are you waiting for???? You're single and you need me to hump your ass. You know it, baby. Call me now!

Alright, I'm sorry for that outburst. I'm crying for you. Bawling. Seriously, I'm absolutely sobbing. Oh, shit. Hold on, I'll be right back.

Sorry about that, I just had to switch computers. I was crying soooo hard and my tears ended up shorting out my laptop. It's broken now, so I'm using my daughter's laptop. She doesn't know because she's out with her boyfriend. I think they're doing things that you and I should be doing. Naaaaaasty things. Wait, that's disgusting. I don't want to think about my daughter that way. Oh, shit. Hold on, I'll be right back.

Sorry about that. Now I'm on my wife's computer, as I got really sick when I thought about my daughter doing freaky ass stuff and ended up throwing up on her computer and ruining it. It's too bad because that computer and I had been through a lot together. Seriously. I bought it at Best Buy and cuddled all night with it before giving it to my daughter for her birthday. For me, that's a really significant emotional connection. Based on your track record, that appears to be a big emotional commitment for you as well! That's why you and I should get together. We are soooooo alike. And I like ass play.

Sorry about that. Actually, I'm not sorry. I, Rick Moranis, love ass play and I'm proud to admit it. I used to be in APA (Ass Play Anonymous) but now I'm "out of the cave" and in the open. That's why you and I should get together. That, and I don't care about getting Hepatitis C. Not a lot of guys out there that can say that. Combine that with my love of ass play and you've found your true love.

Look, it doesn't matter if I'm married or whatever. I'd totally drop my wife for you. Like a bad habit! Like a hot pan! Like a chicken egg! I know that one doesn't make sense, but that's why I said it. I'm just trying to be a different force in your life. Something you've never seen or felt before. Just give me and my ass play loving self a shot and I'll surprise you. Trust me, you'll love it.

So.....I'll be waiting for your call. Call me soon, baby, and we can hook up. Love you!

Love,
Rick Moranis


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Rick Moranis, Pam Anderson, Hepatitis

McConaughey and Hudson to Release New Movie Called: This One Sucks Too

Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

After the amazing How to Lose a Guy In 10 Days, which can be seen every other day on TBS, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey decided to do another film. The result? Fool's Gold. A critically acclaimed masterpiece that has so far seen tremendous box office success rivaling the greats like Titanic, Star Wars and White Girls. As they say in the business "success breeds success" (and Britney Spears just breeds), so Hudson and McConaughey have decided to team up once again for a new movie called This One Sucks Too about life, love, and everything in between (including lots and lots of full frontal nudity).

Audiences across the globe are anticipating this eventual best picture winner at an unprecedented level. An unnamed source within MGM said, "We haven't been this excited about a movie since the Seth Green sex tape leaked."

Another anonymous source within MGM was quoted as saying "Asian markets are going to be great. Them Chinese folks love that Hudson girl. Nice, radiant white skin. They like that stuff." In addition to the predicted Best Picture win, critics are already anticipating victories at the Sundance, Telluride, and Toronto Film Festivals. Roger Ebert, respected film critic and soft-core pornography connoisseur, has reportedly already put his thumb "way up in the air." A source close to the formerly obese but now svelte critic indicates that he's "gettin' his shit all worked up for this movie. Even though he playa hated on the first two movies, he's all psyched up for the third installment as it's common knowledge that trilogies always work."

No word yet from the Hudson or McConaughey camps, although paparazzi have spotted the two having full-on sex lots of times. Lots and lots. This doesn't necessarily indicate that the new movie will be released soon, but it sure doesn't hurt either.




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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Matthew McConaughey, Kate Hudson, Fool's Gold, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Britney Spears, Roger Ebert

Sam Lutfi Accepts Your Criticism

Hello Fans and Friends,

Many of you may be dismayed by the reports that I drugged Britney Spears. To be honest, I was dismayed too. I was busy drugging Brad Garrett so he'd stay away from Britney's food, so I had no time to officially comment on the matter. But believe me, I'm outraged by the accusation, even though it's true, and I fully accept the criticism, even though I admit nothing. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with a little bit of drugging, not that I'd ever condone it, even though I think it's the right thing to do. Have you seen Britney when she's not on drugs? It ain't pretty. A doped up Britney is safer for all of us. Did I profit by her being all drugged out? Sure, but haven't we all profited from drugging someone and then taking advantage of him/her? Of course we have.

As I said, I officially accept your criticism for my actions and take full responsibility for all of my actions, even though I don't think they were wrong and I despise you for insinuating that I had anything to do with this. The truth is that you're all jealous that I got to see Britney's vagina and you didn't. Nobody in the world, with the exception of K-Fed, JT, and me have seen Britney naked. Nobody. And that's why you're all criticizing me. You want to see her naked. Well, it's never going to happen. As long as I'm in control, she'll never show her hoo-hoo to the world. Never! Granted, she won't be conscious enough to leave the house on her own, and if she does it will be to attend psychological therapy classes, but that's beside the point. My point is that you should all stop criticizing me because I've done nothing wrong. In fact, I don't even know what you're talking about. I never drugged Britney. But if I did, I accept your criticism and deny it wholeheartedly. Does that make sense? Good.

My lawyer just advised me that I should stop typing or else I'm going to end up in jail for the rest of my life, so I better wrap this up. Please, if you have any more comments or criticisms, please feel to send them to me along with 50 dollars in cash. That would be great.

Best,
Sam Lutfi

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Britney Spears, Sam Lutfi, Brad Garrett

Meet the Spartans Gives Hope to Screenwriters Everywhere

Did you see that new movie out? That Meet the Spartans movie? Thank goodness it was made, because it gives hope to all aspiring screenwriters (like me!). If absolute crap like that can be made, then my wonderful screenplay (called Love in the Time of Hedge Funds, a romantic comedy about a Hedge Fund manager who falls in love with a venture capitalist and they live happily ever after earning a 19% return on invested capital) can be made into a movie! Seriously, if they greenlighted that shlock, then I definitely have a chance. Even my other screenplay - a touching biopic about the rise and fall of Lionel Richie, set against the backdrop of the CIA incursions into Central America - has hope.

I've always wanted to be a screenwriter. Ever since I learned that I was Jewish, I wanted to go to Hollywood and write scripts. I mean, I must have the talent, right? I mean, look at me! I have to be a screenwriter. As sure as David married Bathsheba, I'm going to be Hollywood bound. At least, I will be now that Meet the Spartans was made into a movie. I'll just bring that script to an agent and be like, "Look...this was made into a movie. Now read about Lionel Richie and cry tears of money!" I mean, any movie that has Carmen Electra with a prominent speaking role should be taken with a grain of salt. Or in this case, the whole damn container of salt. But that's a good thing because I think she'll make a great Hedge Fund manager in my screenplay. Doesn't that sound perfect? I'm Jewish, trust me about the funny stuff. It's in my blood.

I have to go now. My waitress is bringing my order (3 bottles of Ensure and some rye toast), and then I have a meeting with my agent. I think it's going to go well. Thank you Meet the Spartans for giving me hope and confidence!

Best,
Ira Lishawitz

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Carmen Electra, Meet the Spartans, Lionel Richie, Jewish

Lindsay Lohan Weighs In On The Presidential Election

Dear People of the United something of...uh...you know,

I am not going to vote in this election. Ha ha! Fooled ya. All of you probably thought I'd be voting, right? You all thought I'd be the first person on line on election day to vote for the bestest candidate for the head President position in America, didn't you? Yeah, you did. That's cuz you're all stupiddddddd!!! No, I'm not drunk right now. Okay, maybe a little, but that's okay because I'm in a new type of rehab program. You know, where you're allowed to get drunk as long as you don't drink any more. Make sense. Great!

But even though I'm not voting (Ed Note: there's a new federal law that prevents people who show their nipple online from voting in an election. Google it. Sorry, Ashley Tisdale.), I still have a thought or two on who should be our head President. Okay, maybe just one thought. C'mon, did you ever think I'd have more than one thought at a time! Ha ha ha ha ha...you are all suckers!!! Anywhoooooo, I'm going to tell you who should be the head President, and you all should listen. Elect this person in November or December or whenever the election is and I'll be a happy person. And the country will be a better place. Mainly the former.

Basically, you should elect Tom Brady as our next head President. He's so cute! And I feel bad that he has such a small penis. How do I know? Let's just say that a certain supermodel from Brazil told me! And I had sex with him after the football game last night. My firecrotch was back in action!!! Yuppers. With the grandmaster of New England football himself, Mr. Thomas Brady. It wasn't that good because he kept calling out his own name and kept calling me Eli. That was weird. But I blacked out for most of it, so I guess it couldn't have been that bad! Anyways, he should definitely be head President of the United Americas. If not him, then perhaps Ron Paul because I agree with his tax reform and Iraq war policies. Nah...just vote for Tommy Brady. He's my candidate 4-ever!!! I hope he wins that Super Bowl thing, even though Boston fans are completely insufferable and self-absorbed and need a good ass-kicking. Either way, I'm sure I'll fuck the winner. Or the loser. Everyone's a winner!

Tom Brady and his small penis for head President! Go out and vote today. Do it a lot. Just like TRL. Whippee!!!!

Love and Vodka,
Lindsay Lohan

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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


Tags: Lindsay Lohan, Presidential Election, Ashley Tisdale, Firecrotch