Monday, January 19, 2009

Scientists Prove that Watching The Bachelor Lowers Human and Monkey IQ



Hollywood, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Scientists at Dartmouth University held a press conference today to announce the highly anticipated results of a 3 year research study examining the linkage between IQ loss in both humans and chimps and watching ABC's The Bachelor. The study, which was initially criticized by 30-year-old-single-women-with-3-cats' rights groups, was lauded by the scientific community for breaking new ground in the ongoing analysis of the brain numbing effects of prime-time reality-based love farces. The study conclusively proved, for the first time in the history of mankind, a direct link between IQ loss and repeated viewing of reality television, specifically ABC's dreadful The Bachelor. 14 monkeys and 10 adult males showed a dramatic drop in IQ totals after 3 months of watching 2 hours a week of ABC's pathetic The Bachelor. 6 control groups, comprised of a similar number of chimps and adult males, watched two hours a week of either Eight is Enough, The Family Guy, German Shit-Porn, ABC's brutal Grey's Anatomy, House, or Heroes, and showed no similar loss of mental capacity. Although Grey's Anatomy did cause uncontrollable diarrhea in the chimps (which they promptly flung at the adult males. Repeatedly).

The study started off rocky as the first group of 14 monkeys and 10 adult males descended into instant violence, killing each other and smearing blood all over the walls of the room. The scientists then realized that injecting the test subjects with cocaine prior to the study was not a good idea, and so they restarted the study without the hardcore drugs. It was a good choice as the next batch of test subjects refrained from killing each other. The scientists used the cocaine and had a massive sex party with the slightly overweight and homely student body.

For years the scientific community had postulated about the potential for IQ loss from watching shows like The Bachelor, but for many years the theory remained just that - a theory. Then one night, the "gang of 8" (the nickname given to the Dartmouth scientists by a rape accuser back in 1998) conceived of the chimp-male test...and 3 months later, history was made. Sources close to the scientists indicate that they are cautiously optimistic about the results of the study, and hope to repeat it with an all monkey test group, to really test out its validity.

No word yet from ABC about the study, but one executive was quoted as saying, "No shit."


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Now is the Time, Jennifer Love Hewitt


Dear Ms. Hewitt,

First, let me clear something up. I'm not the stalker who has been restrained from seeing you. While it may seem that I am obsessed, mine is a healthy fixation. Okay, maybe the term "healthy fixation" is a bit of an oxymoron, but I think you know what I mean. No, you probably don't know what I mean, but I have a good lawyer and that's all I'm saying. Thankfully you were not hurt and I hope that nobody else every stalks you again. Healthy fixations from afar are good. That is all.

Second, let me express my condolences on your recent breakup with a certain Ross McCall. Nobody should ever feel the pangs of heartbreak, particularly when nuptials are so close at hand. Well, except for Jason Alexander. He's a real dick. Other than him, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Okay, maybe singer-songwriter Seal, as well. He's a grade A dick. Do you know that he actually killed one of my puppies? Not kidding. He was vacationing near where I live, and I was running on the beach with one of my new puppies and he just snatched it up and broke its neck. No remorse. He then threw it at me. What a pussy! I tried to prosecute but the cops were like, "It's Seal. What are you going to do?" I dropped the case and never received justice. I think the cops were afraid of him. Maybe he killed some of their puppies as well. But I digress. The point is...I am very sorry that you are no longer getting married. I would never wish this on you. However, sometimes the greatest disappointments yield the greatest opportunities. And now, my dear Ms. Hewitt, is your opportunity.

Pose for Playboy. Show Mr. McCall what he is missing. Show him what he will forever be denied. Show him the true essence of your soul, and by your soul, I mean your breasts. Reveal the meat puppets that have captivated the world for over a decade and you will be redeemed. I know that you worked out vigorously to get in shape for your wedding. Why waste that work? You should show Mr. McCall, and the world, just how amazing your renewed conditioning efforts have been. The ONLY way to do this is to reveal your boobs to the world in a display of toplessness so amazing, the sun may actually stop burning in reverence. Yes, Ms. Hewitt, your breasts have the ability to stop fusion. That is not just a power, it is a responsibility for action.

Think of the consequences of not posing. World hunger, terrorism, rampant puppy-murdering by Seal. It's a no-brainer. Now is the time, Ms. Hewitt. We're approaching the 3 year anniversary of my quixotic quest in the form of this website, and my call to action has never been more pressing or relevant. The world is a terrible and scary place, particularly for you right now, and you have but one option to create impact - pose for Playboy. I would like to open my browser tomorrow and see the headline "Jennifer Love Hewitt to Pose for Playboy." It would be a fine day, a proud day, and a monumental day in the history of humankind. And all because of you.

So I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice. Pose for Playboy, show your sweater puppies, and shine on you crazy diamond. Although just pray that Seal is not watching as he may attack your puppies. Heaven forbid that happening. Heaven forbid, indeed.

Thank you.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Thursday, January 01, 2009

We are The World - Where Are They Now (Part II)

It's time for part 2 of our tribute to"We are the World." Happy New Year! Here's to hoping you didn't Aykroyd all over yourself last night.


Dionne Warwick




What a weird life. Ms. Warwick is one of the most decorated female vocalists of all time, recording more Billboard Top 200 "rock" hits than anyone other than the Michelin Man (translation - Aretha Franklin). She was a freakin' United Nations ambassador. Hell, she even worked with the famed Burt Bacharach. Yet after "We are the World" she went on to host infomercials for the Psychic Friends Hotline for 8 years. Why the fuck would she do that? Seriously, that's like Warren Buffet deciding, "You know, I've been pretty successful at this whole investing thing, maybe I'll go star in a snuff film. That won't completely undermine the legacy I spent so much time and effort building." Yes, the Psychic Friends Holine has been compared to a snuff film. It's really not that different.

On a positive note, she is Whitney "Crack is Whack" Houston's cousin. Now THAT women has had a hell of a life since WATW.


Willie Nelson




We all know about the tax evasion. Too easy a joke. Don't worry, Nelson's whole life has been a joke, so there are plenty of incidents to discuss since "WATW" in 1986.

From Wikipedia: "Country musician Willie Nelson's cover of "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other" (iTunes single February 14, 2006) is the first gay-themed mainstream country song by a major artist.

Yup.

From Wikipedia: "In May 2008, Willie Nelson appeared in Amsterdam with rap icon Snoop Dogg where they did a live version of "SuperMan". Subsequently the two have become friends and recently released a video "My Medicine", which has received much play on YouTube."

Yup.

Al Jarreau




Who? Apparently this dude won 7 Grammys, and he's the only vocalist in history to win in three separate categories: jazz, pop, and R&B. Oh, a Grammy...we remember when those were relevant. Never. Rob Schneider has more fans than this guy. Hell, this website has more fans than this guy. But he has 7 Grammys (two since "WATW"), so let's all get down on our knees and shine his nuts.

Bruce Springsteen




Do we really need to go through this exercise? Yes, he's been successful. Yes, you've all heard of him. There's nothing funny about him except during the song he looked like he was about to rupture his rectum with a huge shit. Ha ha, very funny (but it's true...check the video). Let's move on.

Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry




This is the ultimate 80s power duo. When Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, and Lionel "My daughter, Nicole, isn't a whore...okay, she is" Richie were assembling the singers for this classic song, do you think they said, "We need the Footloose and Journey guy." Of course they did! Loggins just wrapped up Highway to the Danger Zone from Top Gun, and Journey was...well...Journey. It wouldn't have been an 80s moment if these two weren't there. But now? Loggins is working on a song for the new Tigger movie. Yes, Tigger from Winnie the freakin' Pooh. As for Steve Perry...since singing two lines in WATW, he had hip replacement surgery. That's about it. So, in sum, Kenny Loggins and Steve Perry are now officially old men. The 80's suck.

Daryl Hall



Not to be outdone by the Loggins and Perry 80s power duo, here comes Daryl Hall. Mr. Hall was considered somewhat of an 80s sex symbol. Then again, anyone standing next to John Oates would be a sex symbol. It's kind of fitting that Oates was a member of the WATW ensemble, but only Hall got a solo. I bet that still eats Oates up inside. The bitterness must be palpable whenever they get together, which clearly isn't in front of crowds anymore. Although they did make a "humorous" appearance on the Daily Show recently, singing a tribute to Alan Colmes. Two has beens singing to an imminent has been; it's quite fitting.

Unfortunately, we have a confession to make. The editors of Please Do It Ms. Hewitt actually went to a Hall and Oates concert...in the 90s. Just like Daryl Hall's post WATW career, it wasn't memorable.


Huey Lewis



Huey Lewis sans "The News" is just wrong. It leaves you unfulfilled. It's like eating a peanut butter sandwich without the jelly. A club sandwich without the bacon. A rape sandwich without the Kobe Bryant (yes, that's a dated reference...but still a good one...deal with it). In other words, it just ain't right. And for this act of hubris, Mr. Lewis paid dearly. Where did his career go since this song? Nowhere, friends. It dropped faster than Lindsay Lohan's pants at an all you can eat "sushi" buffet. Sure, he had a platinum and gold album in the 5 years following the song, but what has he done lately? Okay, maybe he and "The News" teamed up once again to write the theme for the Seth Rogan classic Pineapple Express, but anything else? Yeah, told you so. In Huey's case, it seems as though the news have gone out of print.


Cyndi Lauper,



She sang probably the most memorable few lines in the song, in the process totally ruining a completely professional and well-sung classic with screeching and childish behavior. But that's why we loved Cindi. That and her freakish, yet somewhat attractive looks. And her completely flat chest. Check out the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" video and you'll see. It's been burned in our memories. Since WATW, Ms. Lauper has had an interesting career. She was the musical director for The Goonies and worked so many 12 hour days that she developed gynecological problems (not kidding on this one). That's something you don't hear every day. Can you imagine if that happened all the time? Investment banks would smell like fish markets.

"Hey, Adams, can you stay overnight and complete that report for the big pitch tomorrow?"
"I'd love to boss, but my pussy won't let me."
"That's right, I remember the last time. It took 10 janitors to get that stench out!"

Gross. And her career hasn't been the same since.


Kim Carnes



"Bette Davis Eyes." Seriously, are we missing something? Why didn't they just invite every 1 hit wonder? Where are Tommy Tutone? Or Soft Cell? Or the chick who sang "Hey Mickey?" Can we all agree that WATW would have been even better if there was a wide-eyed 40-year-old cheerleader jumping around singing "Hey Ethiopians, you're so fine, you blow my mind, hey Ethy...hey Ethy!" Alright, maybe not. And that's why 1 hit wonders shouldn't be there. So who did Kim Carnes fuck to get a spot? Oh, that's right, the next guy.

Gary Coleman



A frequent contributor to Please Do It Ms. Hewitt, Gary Coleman played a key role in the making of "We are the World." He reportedly introduced Lionel Richie to Michael Jackson. It's true! He also came up with part of the title ("the" was his idea). He sang a solo too, but his "There are people dying...whatchu talkin' bout not lending a hand" was rejected at the last minute. Also, he fucked Kim Carnes and got her a spot on the roster. This is all true. Google it.

Ray Charles




Dead.

Bob Dylan




Since WATW, Dylan has had a tumultuous life. First he dated Brenda, then he dated Kelly, then he slept with Valerie, then Gina Kincaid, and then he finally fathered Kelly's child. What a few years it's been!


Conclusion

That about wraps it up for our little retrospective. Sure, there were others in attendance. Pretty much every member of the Jackson family except Janet (translation - all the ones without talent who definitely had an available Saturday to record this) were present. Yes, even Latoya. The aforementioned Aykroyd was there. Even Bette "Has there ever been a last name that better describes my ability as an actress/singer" Midler and the Pointer Sisters, best known for penning the lyrics to Jesse Spano's greatest song "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared." (here). But the ones chronicled above are the soloists, and as we all know, if you don't have the mic, you don't get the pussy. Except if your Tommy Lee. Or Wilford Brimley.

Or Dan Aykroyd, of course.


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Monday, December 15, 2008

We are The World - Where Are They Now?

We here at Please Do It Ms. Hewitt love the song "We are the World." Okay, love is a strong word. Maybe we just like it. Alright, let's be clear - when we hear it we don't want to commit suicide, and...well..that's a plus. Right? Regardless of how one feels about the song, the immense star power that came together for that fateful evening of tuneful expression was something to behold. Springsteen, Charles, Lauper, Loggins, Turner, Joel, Wonder, and Aykroyd (Yes, Dan Aykroyd was there. Google it. Someone must have owed him money. A lot of money. Great sums of money. The song's producer killed a hooker and Aykroyd saw it. Google it.). It's been almost 25 years since the song debuted at the top of the charts and took the country, nay, the world, by storm. Many of the singers have gone on to greater successes. Many have seen their pan flash out. Others have died. And then there's Dan Aykroyd. Today, we honor the memory of those famed singers with a little segment that we like to call, "We are the World - Where are They Now." It's not that creative a title, but it's honest. And accurate. Even Dan Aykroyd an understand it, and that's saying a lot. Without further ado, here it is. Enjoy, and try not to Aykroyd all over yourself.

Lionel Richie



After this song, which Richie co-authored with Michael Jackson, Richie went on to release the landmark album "Dancing on the Ceiling," which unlike "We are the World," did result in many people dying from self-inflicted wounds. Oddly enough, it wasn't from people falling off of the aforementioned ceilings and cracking their necks. No, it was from listening to "Say You, Say Me" over and over and over and over again until a neighbor stopped by with a shotgun and...well...stopped the record from playing (so to speak). Richie also raised a beautiful daughter named Nicole who is not an embarrassment. Other than that, not much, other than that mustache. Today, he can be seen playing at local establishments in the Middle East. Seriously, people, this is not a joke. Look it up. Life is fucked up.


Stevie Wonder


"Blind as a fucking bat, but damn could this motherfucker play music." That's what Stevie Wonder's gravestone says. You didn't know he's dead? He is. A bi-racial couple got angry that he wrote Jungle Fever and shot him. That's why you haven't seen a good new album from him in years. A doppelganger replaced him. Ever wonder why Stevie got so fat and his music started to suck? Now you know.

Paul Simon



Paul Simon wrote The Capeman. Let's all observe a moment of silence and pretend that never happened.

Kenny Rogers




Never before has an "o-face" in the middle of a song meant so much (50 seconds in...KR creams his jeans during his intro). The man cooks up a mean drumstick, but he also prematurely ejaculates to stop world hunger. That, friends, is a true American Patriot. Do not begrudge him, even if he does have a douche-y beard.

Some Light-Skinned Black Guy



Does anyone know who this guy is? Seriously, does anyone know who he is? Did they just find him off the street and ask him to sing a few bars? Do any of you care what happened to him? Good, then we're moving on.


Tina Turner



Tina Turner is an American icon. She's pushing 100, and yet she doesn't look a day over 90. Just look at those perky breasts. They're so perky that they wake up in the morning before her and say, "Hey, Tina, wake up!" Now that's perky! Life after We are the World was a blur for Ms. Turner. She fell out of the public's good graces, had a comeback, fell out, came back, fell out, and came back again. It all culminated with her landmark album, "I'm Tina Turner, Bitch." She's now dating Samantha Ronson and spends her time avoiding paparazzi like an Ike Turner left hook. Rimshot, please.


Billy Joel




We hear the man likes cars. Too bad they don't like him. At least not when he's on the road. Quite an eventful life since 1985. Eventful...indeed.


Michael Jackson



Pass.

Wilford Brimley



While not a technical participant in the song, or a credited member of the writing, producing, directing, or editing team, Mr. Brimley was largely considered to be the visionary force behind the juggernaut that became USA for Africa. Brimley allegedly penned the original draft of the song, calling it "We are the God damn World." The version was deemed inappropriate as he repeatedly called on the Ethiopians to check their blood sugar and check it often, even though the risk of getting "the diabetes" in a famine-stricken area is quite remote. Also, the Brimley-penned version had frequent and quite unnecessary profanities, including a particularly virulent section about Mexican immigrants "doing his wife in the Wilford hole." While Brimley's draft version of the now cult-classic song was rejected, his concept was thoroughly embraced, and Jackson and Richie re-wrote the song to make it what it is today. The emotional scars of being rejected still haunt Brimley to this day as he denies any involvement in the effort. All members of the USA for Africa group also continue to deny Brimley's involvement, showing just how deep the scars truly run.

Diana Ross



After "We are the World," Ross had a lot of success in England. Yay!!!!



That is all for today. We hope you're more informed than you were an hour ago. Tune in tomorrow for more We are the World - Where Are They Now?




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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, October 31, 2008

Beverly D'Angelo to Endorse Barack Obama



I, Beverly D'Angelo, star of the stage and screen, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. You may know me as Clark's wife from the National Lampoon movies. Others may know me from my role in the hippi classic Hair. Still, others may know me as someone who has received the stigmata (both me and Sarah Palin!). Most of you, though, know me because I have been tirelessly knocking on doors, making phone calls, sleeping with citizens, and stabbing the opposition in my singular quest to get Barack Obama elected as President of the United States of America.

I'm not even a Democrat. To be honest, I don't even know who Barack Obama is. But I know he's running for President and that gives me an excuse to whore myself around town, which is fine by me. Those phone calls and door knockings? It's not to endorse Mr. Obama - it's to offer up my body for sex. I just use the "Obama thing" as an excuse to get people to open their doors. Then I strip down to nothing but my Obama pin (don't ask what it's pinned to!) and then let them poll my electorate.

I'm not a slut, I just need sex in a pathological manner, particularly during a Presidential election when I'm feeling particularly needy. You know what else makes me feel needy? Grey's Anatomy. I really dislike that show because it makes me feel so emotionally fragile and angry, and that always leads to unprotected sex with strangers. You can put that in the next ABC advertisement - "Grey's Anatomy, it'll make you fuck people and regret it. Thursdays at 9." Would you watch a show with that type of promo? Let me know if you would, because I'll come knock on your door and "stump" for Obama (as long as I can then see your stump).

It's only a few more days to the election, so I better be on my way now. After all, I only have a few more opportunities to sell my body for sex and get away with it. I mean, after the election, that will just be wrong. Right? Yeah, then I'd be a slut. But now, it's okay. Yeah, that's what I tell myself when I cry for hours at night and rock back and forth with my hands around my legs.


Barack in '08,
Beverly


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Friday, October 24, 2008

Paula Abdul to Endorse Walter Mondale



Hi Everyone!!!

I, Paula Abdul, officially endorse Walter Mondale for President of the United States of America. Yay!!! What? Wait. Oh yeah, I got it. Walter Mondale is my choice. He's the man to...wait. What? Ok. Yeah. I'm going to vote for Walter Mondale on election day in December. He's the man to help America through this...what's the word I'm looking for...I don't know. He's righteous. He's cool. And he's...what? Oh. He's not running? Oh. But I thought there was an old white guy running. Hmmm...that may change things.

Nah, it doesn't change things. I'm still voting for Mr. Mondale because he's dreamy. Speaking of dreamy, I saw Grey's Anatomy last night and that McDreamy is so McSteamy! Wait. No, that McDreamy is McDreamy. Yeah. I'd let him give me an enema. I don't mean that in a sexual way! I just need an enema right now. And he's a doctor, so I'd let him do it. I won't go into the details for why I need an enema, but let's just say that I've been eating a lot of cheese. Take that Simon! Yeah. What? Oh. Um. Okay, I lost my train of thought. I know what you're thinking, it's amazing that I even had a train of thought to lose, but...lost it again.

So in conclusion, on election day in December, I plan to cast my vote for Walter "the Mon" Mondale as he's the white man to save our country. I don't mean that as a racist thing. I love you Randy Jackson! It just happens to be that my candidate is white so I'm stating a fact. Yay, facts!! I've never used those things before. They can be cool. Cool like Mondale? You betcha! Ha ha, I just made a political joke because I made fun of...what am I talking about? Yeah. I love Grey's Anatomy.

See you soon, America.

Love and Vicodin,
Paula Abdul


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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sean Astin to Endorse Barack Obama


Fans and Friends,

I, Sean Astin, officially endorse Barack Obama for President of the United States of America. Wheh, I finally said it! I was having anal sex with a prostitute on Saturday, and I explained to her my position on each of the candidates, but I didn't think I had the fortitude to explain myself to the American people. It's one thing to reveal your innermost political secrets while riding bareback with a whore, and it's a totally different thing to share your thoughts to the people of this world, while sitting alone (but naked) in a cold motel room in Akron, Ohio. Why am I in Akron? No, I'm not stumping for Senator Obama. I've just heard that the prostitutes are hot and heavy here. Well, mostly heavy (it is Ohio), but so am I, so that's okay!

Do I honestly think my endorsement matters? Yes! Look at my impressive resume. I've represented all walks of life and members of society. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon when I played Mikey Walsh in The Goonies. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon when I played Rudy in Rudy. I spoke on behalf of the weak and picked upon hobbits when I played Sam in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So you see, I represented all walks of life and have the authority to speak out on behalf of one of the candidates. Besides, I think McCain is old and scary and I'm sure he'd tell my wife if he caught me having anal sex with a prostitute named Louise. Not that I know one named that. Just sayin', you know? Yeah, you know.

So go out and vote! Vote smart, vote sensible, vote Astin! Um...I mean Vote Obama.

Rudy!
Sean Astin




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Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition


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