Monday, February 27, 2006

A Eulogy To Don Knotts by Gary Coleman

With the recent passing of Don Knotts, a favorite here at JLH central, we thought it would be appropriate to create a wonderful and heartfelt eulogy. We went through our celebrity rolodex and unfortunately couldn't find someone willing to step up to the plate. Apparently the man had a lot of enemies (something to do with chloroform and vaseline). Thankfully, one person has been writing us since Friday, literally begging to write a eulogy. Who, you ask? Gary Coleman, of course. We were hesitant after his last eulogy, but we decided to give him another crack.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Don,

Why didn't you ever send me a Christmas card? I was on Diff'rent Strokes for 8 years and you never once asked to be a guest star. I was Arnold Jackson. Do you know what that means? How dare you. Now you are dead, and we'll never have our moment together. Sure, we had that time at the The Second Annual TV Land Awards: A Celebration of Classic TV in 2004, but you already had the stink of death on you, so it wasn't worth it. I'm offended by you dying. You probably did it on purpose, to wreck my career.

As I've said before, I hate my life, but at least I'm alive. You are not. Your life had some meaning, but did it really? I saw that movie you were in with Spiderman, and I must say, it was in black and white. My movies were in color. Clearly the world should be honoring me today, but you have the headlines. I don't understand this. And they mocked me again on the Family Guy last night, which is a big injustice. I blame you. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I urge you to go see Postal when it comes out, as I am the star of it. It is in color, Mr. Knotts. Try and take that from me. Just try. I will avenge your death.

Gary Coleman

*****Editor's Note...Gary Coleman has been fired again from the JLH staff. He's like an abusive boyfriend. He's all wrong for us, but we can't help taking him back...


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