Monday, February 13, 2006

A Eulogy to Peter Benchley by Gary Coleman

We here at JLH central are big fans of the Jaws franchise (assuming Jaws 4 never happened). Seeing as the great Peter Benchley has just bought his last ticket to Sea World, we thought it would be great to have a celebrity eulogy. Unfortunately, we couldn't afford Steven Spielberg. Thankfully we were able to get the next best thing: Gary Coleman.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Peter,

Have you ever seen Diff'rent Strokes? I was on that show for 8 years. Since then I've tried to commit suicide, sued my parents, tried to commit suicide again, run for Governor of California, become a character in a Broadway show, and brought warmth to the hearts of millions through my irreverence. You wrote about sharks. Clearly you must see how saddened I am at your passing.

I hate my life, but at least I'm alive. You're not. We mourn you for that, but the world also celebrates me being alive. I was Arnold Jackson on a hit TV show. You can never take that from me, Peter Benchley. I will always have that. Yes, Jaws was a good movie, but Dana Plato is now dead. I don't know what those two things have to do with each other, but I wanted to point them out. I was her brother on that show. You were not. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I urge you to rent The Fantastic World of D.C. Collins as I starred in it with Fred Dryer of Hunter fame. You did not. I was also a voice on the Simpsons a few times, although they made fun of me. Why does everyone make fun of me?

My thoughts and prayers are with your family, Peter Benchley. Actually, they aren't, but I thought it was a nice thing to say. Best of luck in Heaven.

Gary Coleman

*****Editor's Note...Gary Coleman has been fired from the JLH staff as he is clearly insane. We apologize for his actions, but cut him some slack. Would you want to be Gary Coleman?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gary, I hear you're bankrupt and working as parking lot attendant. Way to go!

7:57 PM  

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