Thursday, February 02, 2006

An Open Letter to Katie Holmes from Chynna Phillips

Keep sending those signatures. In the meantime, I'm going to post a letter I recently received from a distressed, but hot, reader. She asked that I post it.

Dear Katie Holmes,

I'm not sure if you remember , but we met a few years back at one of William's parties. You know, Billy Baldwin? My husband? It's okay if you don't know him. Only 9 people saw Backdraft, and I think all of them were Baldwins. Anyway, I've been reading about you a lot recently, and I've been meaning to write to you. Only I truly understand what you are going through, and so only I am qualified to give you advice.

You see, as 1/3 of the popular pop trio Wilson Phillips, I achieved fame that few mortals could understand. In the late 1980s I was on top of the world, with money and ultimate power at my disposal. When I wanted sex, I got sex. When I wanted jewelry, I got jewelry. I even had a man killed once, just because I could. It was exhilarating and I thought it would last forever. But then it all came crashing down.

The American public soured on our music and sales dried up. And all of the money we had made was gone. Unfortunately, Carnie Wilson spent all of our money on pudding. She literally ate away our earnings. Devastated, I tried to turn to acting, but not much turned up after my triumphant role as Miffy in Caddyshack II. With my career declining, and bills piling up, I did the unspeakable: I married a Baldwin. It was sickening to know how far I had fallen, but I had no other choice.

Now, as I watch you try to rejuvenate your career by marrying Tom Cruise, I cringe and shake my head in sadness. Sure, you have no talent and your best roles are far behind you, but that does not mean you have to settle for this! Despite your cardboard personality, you are a beautiful and tall woman. That means everything in these mixed up times. Tom Cruise is fool's gold, Katie. Trust me, I know as much as anyone about this subject.

So good luck, girlfriend. And perhaps we shall one day meet again. Maybe at an AA meeting, as my depressing marriage drove me to drink, and I'm sure yours inevitably will do the same to you. Heck, I even released a reunion album with Carnie and that other one whom I can't remember. How depressing is that? What's next, a Dawson's Creek reunion? I shudder at the thought.

Anyway, all my best to you and Pacey. And good luck with that whole Scientology thing...although don't spend too much time alone with John Travolta. I learned about that the hard way.

Warmest Regards,
Chynna Phillips



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