Thursday, March 30, 2006

Bud Selig To Personally Investigate Barry Bonds Steroid Use

Dear Barry Bonds,

I'm sorry, but you've finally forced my hand. I know we've had our differences in the past, what with you being an African American male and me being a reptile, but I was always willing to cut you some slack. When you refused to sign the group licensing agreement for the MLB Player's Association, I looked the other way. When your head expanded in size so much that it looked like it ate Benito Santiago, I turned a blind eye. But after this Game of Shadows book, I have no choice to investigate you. You only have yourself to blame.

Please know that I'll be very active in this investigation. Sure, I've hired former Senator George Mitchell to lead this investigation, but I'm going to be there every step of the way. I plan on personally inspecting your bacne, popping those whiteheads if need be. I also plan on personally measuring the size of your balls, and comparing those measurements to mine. I happen to have freakishly small chipmunk balls, so if you are smaller than me, you must indeed have used steroids. Finally, I plan to test your sperm to see if your are infertile. Granted, I'm no doctor, but I know how infertile sperm tastes, so I'll definitely be able to examine your sample.

There's no running from me Barry. If you've used steroids, I'll find out. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but you brought it on yourself. As FDR once said, "There's nothing to fear but Bud Selig himself." You'll find out.

Best Regards,
Bud Selig

Original JLH petition

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