Monday, March 27, 2006

Hasidic Jews Thank Matisyahu For Getting Them Laid...Sorta

Mad props to GiGi for this scoop.

Brooklyn, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Matisyahu, the reggae singing Orthodox Jewish man whose music has been sweeping the nation (or at the very least white preppie college radio), has been named "Jew of the Month" by Orthodox Jews across the country for single-handedly increasing the number of pre-marital sexual encounters in 2006 from 0 to 1.5. Hasidic Jewish men typically do not engage in pre-marital sex as they obey shomer negiah, a practice which bars them from any type of contact with a member of the opposite sex. However, a little known rule allows these men to violate this sacred tenant if (and only if) they are approached by hot coeds wearing skimpy bikinis who desperately want to be famous but have no real talent other than their looks. Pre-Matisyahu this never happened. Now? It happens at least once every couple of months.

Sources indicate that the women routinely confuse the non-singing Jewish men with the reggae-rockin' superstar on account of their similar attire. One woman, who preferred to remain nameless said that "black hats and scraggly beards turn me on." The woman later added that Torah makes her hotter than a summer's day in Georgia, and proceeded to fan herself with a Dead Sea Scroll. Matisyahu could not be reached for comment, but is said to be grateful for the award and is looking forward to going out and celebrating after Lent is over.

Original JLH petition

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