How Could You Impregnate Another, Fred Savage?
I heard that you're expecting your first child in August. Congrats. I guess. I mean, I should be happy for you, but you know I'm not. Your seed was always meant for me. You know it. I know it. Heck, even Wilford Brimley knows it. But you failed me, Fred. You've fertilized another and scorned me in the process. I'm hurt.
Remember the Wonder Years, Fred? We were soulmates on that show! And now you've gone and impregnated another. Why? Why ruin the perfect union of Winnie and Kevin? Remember when they made sweet, sweet love on the show? That could have been us in real life, Fred. I craved your seed, and now it's with another. We could have had the perfect baby: hot, destined for stardom, and good at math. And now? Nothing. Once again, I'm hurt.
So good luck, Fred, with the rest of your life. My womb is now closed to you. You missed your chance, buddy, and you're going to regret it. Yes, I'm that good, but you and your seed will never know. What a shame.
As seen on Gawker
Original JLH petition