Wednesday, March 15, 2006

How to Pick Your NCAA Brackets by Wilford Brimley

Dear America,

As you know, I have the Diabetes. You also know that I eat lots of Quaker Oats Oatmeal. What you don't know, is that I'm an expert NCAA bracketologist. But it ain't because I'm some smarty pants college basketball expert. Hell I ain't even watched a game since '73. I couldn't tell a basketball from a colonoscopy, which I've had several of in recent years. The key to my success is my system. A God damn system that you should all follow. My nephew followed it and he became the best God damn NCAA picker I ever saw. It's real simple.

  1. Eat Quaker Oats oatmeal. This will put you in the right state of mind.
  2. Take your insulin. If you have the Diabetes like me, it'll save your life. If you're Barry Bonds, it'll make you hit home runs. Either way, you get stronger. Don't argue with me.
  3. Pick Duke to get to the finals. John Wayne was the Duke and he was a tough God damn bastard.
  4. Pick at least 4 upsets in the first round. Hell, I'd pick 5, but I guess that's just me. You may not have the stomach for it.
  5. Go with your gut for the next few rounds. I trust my gut, which has become less sizable since the Diabetes.
  6. Don't end up with 4 Number 1 seeds in the Final Four. It's a bit suspicious. And I get paid to be suspicious when I've got nothing to be suspicious about.
  7. Pick UConn to win it all. Even a tough ole' fella like me knows that UConn is the best God damn team I ever saw. Just like Roy Hobbs was the best damn hitter I ever saw.

You follow those simple rules, and you'll win yourself some money. If you don't follow them, then I might just come after you.

Wilford Brimley



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