Saturday, March 18, 2006

If Amy Fisher Is Willing To Pose for Playboy, Then By All That's Holy You Should Too, Ms. Hewitt

Dear Ms. Hewitt,

Seriously, it's getting re-freakin'-diculous. Rumors have now surfaced that Amy Fisher is going to pose for Playboy. I'm going to say that again, to let you take in the full magnitude of what that means. Amy Fisher, a woman only famous for having sex at 16 years old with Joey Buttafuoco (who was convicted of statutory rape) and then shooting his wife, is going to pose for Playboy. And you're not. Think about that for a second. She's only famous because she shot someone. Does that mean that Robert Blake is going to pose next? Or that guy who shot the Pope? Or Dick Cheney? This is setting a bad precedent, and it's your fault.

By not posing, you are forcing our supreme commander, Hugh Hefner, to dredge up the bottom rungs of society to stimulate readership of his monthly periodical. While that worked when he had the Girls of Reality TV pose, it's not a good thing now. Having Amy Fisher pose would be the biggest travesty since they faked the moon landing. It would be an even bigger travesty than when they let Carnie Wilson pose. Yes, Carnie Wilson posed. And then she ate the cameraman, but that's off topic. Sorry, but my normally composed nature is a little stunned by this news. A Long Island trashy slut (redundant, I know) is going to grace Hef's pages while you act in Garfield 2. Is there no justice in this world?

My dear Ms. Hewitt, I now leave this one in your capable hands or cleavage or whatever. It's time for you to stand up for truth, justice, the American Way, and good ole' fashioned boobage. Your boobage. Not Amy Fisher's. She was the Long Island Lolita and you were in The Tuxedo with Jackie Chan. Understand? No? Neither do I. Sorry, this whole thing is throwing me off.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan

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