Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Stop Hiding Behind A Cat, Ms. Hewitt

Dear Ms. Hewitt,

When will you understand that you should, nay, you must pose for Playboy? I've appealed to your artistic sensibilities. I've appealed to your patriotism. Hell, Sam Waterston has even appealed to your respect for the Constitution of these great United States of America. But still you choose to ignore our pleas in favor of remaining clothed.

A stupid choice, but a valid one I must respect.

But now it seems you have gone too far. You see the pained expression on the face of that cat? It is representative of the incalculable pain caused by your decision not to show your tah-tahs and ya-ya (to use the slang) to the world. It is one thing to disappoint humans, but it is an entirely different thing to inhumanely inflict suffering upon the souls of tiny, defenseless cats everywhere. Even cartoon cats. This cat does not exist within the bounds of what we humans call reality, yet even it suffers on account of your reluctance to pose. This innocent cartoon feline knows you will not pose, and is thus terrified to live in a world, albeit a fictional one, without your exposed bosoms. Can't you not see the suffering on his face?! Go ahead, smile and hug him all you want, but you know that inside he is dead to the world.

I am outraged, saddened, and a little itchy.

Only you have the power to stop this...this...this terrible havoc that you have wreaked upon such an unsuspecting feline. Pose for Playboy. For the love of all things holy, you must pose. Think of the cats, Ms. Hewitt. Think of those wonderfully, cuddly, lasagna-eating cartoon cats.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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