Monday, April 03, 2006

Jesse Helms Has Dementia; Wife Must Remind Him He's Racist On A Daily Basis


Jesse Helms, long time Senator from North Carolina, has recently moved to a convalescent home as he is suffering from vascular dementia. The once-fiery supporter of South African apartheid was known as the hardest-working bigot in Washington, but was looking forward to simply becoming a run-of-the-mill retired bigot in North Carolina. Unfortunately, his condition has taken a turn for the worse.

"It's a real shame," his wife said. "He doesn't remember much anymore. I heard him say something nice about Magic Johnson and I had to remind him that he hates people with HIV and once said that 'there is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.'" But she remained optimistic. "He has his good days and bad. The other day I was encouraged when he turned on C-SPAN and called Barack Obama 'A dumb, n--ger bastard.' But then during dinner he laughed at the 'Not that there's anything wrong with it' Seinfeld episode. He even argued that homosexuality could potentially be innate. That's when I knew his dementia had worsened." No comments yet from Democrats, but sources indicate that they are lining up to block the appropriations bill that would pay for his funeral.


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