Friday, April 14, 2006

Katie Holmes' Future Lies In Your Breasts, Jennifer Love Hewitt

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

I'm sure you've been keeping up with all the twisted gossip from world of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Recently he named a plane after his beloved K-dawg. Then he bragged to GQ that he has a spectacular sex life without using the phrase "with guys," which confused America (of course). Now we learn that he has okayed Katie to speak during childbirth (assuming, of course, that she doesn't ask him to tune the TV to South Park). While the last bit of news may seem magnanimous, in reality it rings the bell of lost freedom.

I ask you, Ms. Hewitt, are we as a society reverting back to the ways of our patriarchal ancestors who viewed a man as a woman's keeper? Has our national fervor for piety, a 2nd Great Awakening if you will, become so overwhelming that we have lost the collective ability to stand up to the sexual tyranny inherent in the actions that Mr. Cruise has taken with respect to his wife Katie? Are our leaders so feckless and incompetent that they can amount no suitable resistance to the abhorrent actions of a monster like Tom Cruise? In a word, yes. And only you have the power to stop them.

By posing for Playboy, you will show the world that individualism is still important. You will show fear-mongers such as Tom Cruise that as a woman, you always retain the right to choose where and how you display your nipples. More importantly, a topless photo shoot in Playboy will show the world that Americans do indeed believe in this little concept called liberty. Your posing will be a symbolic shunning of the moral turpitude displayed by Mr. Cruise with his baseless actions against the sweet flower known as Katie Holmes. Nobody puts Joey in the corner. Please do the right thing and uphold that axiom.

If you choose not to pose, well, then consider our society lost. Mr. Cruise and his Scientology friends will have achieved their goal of the ruination of mankind, and it will all be your fault. Others may pose for Playboy but it will not be the same because...frankly...your breasts are divine and are the singular embodiment of humanity at its finest. That is why your posing, and only your posing, will rid the world of Tom Cruise and his ilk. Only your boobs, and the nirvana they inspire, have the power to shatter the patriarchal dominance that has crept back into society writ large. Please do the right thing.

Happy Easter. Happy Passover. Happy Everything.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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