Monday, April 17, 2006

Keith Olbermann to Bill O'Reilly: I'm Sexier Than You

Dear Bill,

In this, the 1,079th day since the declaration of mission accomplished in Iraq, I write to you and proclaim my supremacy in regards to sexiness. I, Keith Olbermann, am sexier than you, Mr. Bill O'Reilly. And that, as my friends over at NPR like to say, is that.

For years you have claimed to be sexier than me. Talk about a right wing conspiracy. Having cut my teeth in the world of sports, I am quite familiar with the bravado and blustering typical of a paper-thin superstar who is covering up a cabinet full of insecurities. Um...sound familiar, Bill? The only thing missing from your baseless claims of "ultimate sexiness" would be a full-scale Nixonian paranoia in the form of banning the mention of my "super-sexy" name from your radio show. Oh, wait, wait, you've already done that.

While my producers have kindly stayed out of the debate, which honestly really isn't a debate, those wacky honchos over at the Fair and Balanced Network have issued a press release that says, quote "While we're not taking sides, Bill O'Reilly is definitely much sexier than Keith Olbermann. When Mr. O'Reilly takes off his shirt, every woman's knees goes limp." That's not the only thing that goes limp.

Adhering to my journalistic ethos, a term with which you probably are unfamiliar, I tried to stay out of the debate. But then I saw Brit Hume report on his show, quote "Keith Olbermann has the sexiness of a terrier. Bill O'Reilly turns heterosexual men gay, and then he accuses them of being sinners." Hey pal, if you're going to lob a couple of punches, at least do them yourself. In between telling people to shut up of course.

The truth of the matter is that my sexiness was never in dispute. I'm much sexier than you are, and that is plain to the eye of all who choose to look. I know it, the American people know it, Dan Patrick knows it, and by the grace of Rupert Murdoch, you know it. Don't make me take my shirt off to prove it.

So, Bill, I congratulate you on again becoming the Worst Person in the World! And with that I urge you to keep your knees loose. Good night and good luck.

Keith Olbermann

Original JLH Petition


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget Mr. O'Reilly, Keith was voted Playgirl's 2004 Sexiest Newscaster!

5:30 PM  

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