Wednesday, April 19, 2006

An Open Letter From Wilford Brimley To Brooke Shields

Dear Brooke,

I heard you had a God damn kid yesterday. So did that young fellow by the name of Tom Cruise. I know you two haven't gotten along in the past, but I think it's high time you made up. Now I ain't no smarty pants relationship expert like Dr. Phil, but I do know a thing or two about what you're going through.

You see, I have the Diabetes. And everyone with the Diabetes knows that you get angry from time to time. Hell, one time I couldn't find my insulin and I shot a Mexican. I ain't proud of it, but I ain't denying it either. Shit happens and you have to deal. That's why you should make peace with Tom Cruise. Just like the Diabetes can't help but make me angry, Mr. Cruise can't help but make you get your God damn panties in a bunch. Crazy people have a way of doing that. He's the craziest sonofa bitch I ever seen. Don't blame the poor bastard just for being who he is. What you should do is pity him. Pity him and eat Quaker Oats.

Sure, he may say things from time to time that'll piss you off. Hell, I took a shotgun blast to the stomach once and it just pissed me off more. But there was nothing I could do about it, so I got over it. I got bigger things to worry about, like the Diabetes. I'm sure you got bigger things too. So worry about them. Don't fret that Tom doesn't believe in this or that or that his bastard child was born first. Just get on with your God damn life and you'll be fine.

And trim those God damn eyebrows, will ya'? I ain't no fashion expert, but I know they look like a damn travesty. Worst eyebrows I ever seen.

That is all.

Wilford Brimley

Original JLH Petition

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