Monday, April 24, 2006

You Must Have Me Confused With The Other Valderrama

Dear World,

I am Carlos Valderrama!!! I am the great Colombian futbol player, no? I am not some silly actor who plays Fez on some silly TV show with silly writing and a silly cast (except for Mila Kunis). That is Wilmer Valderrama. I am soccer legend Carlos Valderrama. Please, do not confuse us.

See my hair? It is unique. It is my, how you say, calling card. As is my deft footwork and extraordinary passing skills. Wilmer Valderrama cannot do that. He is too busy, how you say, plowing Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson, Mandy Moore and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Me? I am playing soccer. Although I am retired from the international scene, I play in my local over 40 league. Since I am considered the best Colombian player of all time, you can imagine what I do to the competition. I destroy them like this Wilder Valderrama destroyed Mandy Moore's cherry. From what I have heard of this Mandy Moore person, clearly my job is much harder.

So please, stop sending letters and postcards to me, the Great Carlos Valderrama. I will not come to your Bar Mitzvah or Sweet Sixteen. I will not autograph your letter "From Fez." You should direct those requests to Wilmer Valderrama, for he is the Valderrama you seek. Although you fine young women can still send those naked pictures. It has been good fun for my wife and me in the, how you say, sack. But with the World Cup season approaching, I have no time to focus on anything but my beloved futbol. Do not make me do something drastic. I am unpredictable and deadly...just like my noted passing skills.

Not Wilmer,
Carlos Valderrama

Original JLH Petition

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