Thursday, May 04, 2006

Baseball Once Again Voted America's Pastime for Aging White Sportswriters

Cooperstown, NY (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

A new study conducted by the Baseball Loving Old White Haired ARchaic Dinosaur Society (BLOWHARDS) has reaffirmed that baseball is indeed America's pastime...for Aging White Sportswriters. In a poll of 40,000 randomly selected humanoids across the United States, Major League Baseball came in dead last in popularity out of 10 possible sports, but held a sizable lead among the influential Aging White Sportswriters demographic. Pro Football and Basketball held sway over the general population, with Golf, Tennis, and Excessive Masturbation rounding out the top 5. Among Aging White Sportswriters, it was Baseball followed by Football, Golf, Horse Racing, and again Baseball (tied with Excessive Masturbation) for the 5th spot.

When asked, 65% of general respondents stated that they "didn't give two shits" about Barry Bonds or steroids or even Babe Ruth. That number plummeted to 1% among Aging White Sportswriters, who unanimously considered Barry Bonds' eventual passing of Babe Ruth on the home run list to be a worse offense than knowingly giving the AIDS virus to a sexual partner. 59% of Aging White Sportswriters also admitted to occasionally picturing Babe Ruth's face while making sweet love, and a staggering 97% of Aging White Sportswriters mentioned Mickey Mantle's name when asked who would have made a great pope in the 1950s.

Bud Selig touted the survey as "Proof positive that baseball is alive and well in the minds of many of my decrepit peers." But he later added, "Unfortunately, most of my peers will soon die, so, I guess we still have work to do." To inject a bit of youth into the sport, sources have indicated that Selig will ask Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton to throw out the first pitch of an upcoming game. Or at the very least, they'll do something with the ball.


Original JLH Petition

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