Thursday, May 11, 2006

A Eulogy To Ashlee Simpson's Nose by Gary Coleman

Upon hearing the recent sad news that Ashlee Simpson had a nose job, we here at An Online Petition for Jennifer Love Hewitt, were devastated. Just flat-out devastated. As a rule we bemoan all celebrity plastic surgery, but we were particularly disheartened to hear about Ms. Simpson's alleged rhinoplasty as we're afraid it could affect her oh-so-melodic voice. That would be a travesty. A travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham, to be exact. We didn't know how to properly express our grief, but luckily an old friend was available and wanted to write something. Who, you ask? Gary Coleman, of course. Failing to learn from past mistakes (#1, #2), we gave him the reins again.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Ashlee's Nose,

You could have been nicer when we met that time in Paris. After all, I was on Diff'rent Strokes for 8 years and I played Arnold Jackson. Do you hear me? I played Arnold freakin' Jackson. Oh that's right, you can't hear. You're a nose and you're dead. Ha ha, that was a joke because I'm very funny. You are not. And thus, we are saddened by your death.

You were not even Ashlee's worst feature, and yet you leave her? What ego. I was, languishing at home with no prospects of a career, and you were off living the good life in Hollywood as the centerpiece of that wretched teen's face. And yet, you never called me. I can solve many complex Physics and Mathematics equations, yet I cannot comprehend this simple fact. I may be short in stature, but I definitely am large when it comes to non-stature related things. But you have chosen the easy way out and will never know this. I mourn your death, but I celebrate my own life. Without my life, your existence as a nose would not matter. Can't you see that? Oh that's right, you can't see. You're a nose and you're dead. Ha ha I was funny again. Praise me.

Clearly the world should be honoring me today, but you have the headlines. I don't understand. I blame you for once again stealing my attention. I hope Ashlee's life without you is much happier and more credible. But I have not come here to insult you. You have done that quite enough yourself. Now you must rest. I will avenge your death.

Gary Coleman


Original JLH Petition

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