Friday, May 12, 2006

If Jennifer Love Hewitt Doesn't Pose For Playboy, I'm Going To Club This Baby Seal

Dear Ms. Hewitt,

I'm sorry it's come to this. Really, I am. I tried to be civil, but apparently you do not respond well to civility. I tried to be bold, but audacity has not a place in your heart either. I even tried to appeal to your sense of motherhood, but apparently you hold the future of our great society in low esteem. My humble pleas for you to pose for Playboy have fallen upon deaf ears, and I am deeply saddened by that fact. Nevertheless, I must press on in my great and noble quest to have you bare your righteous bosoms to the world. And so I present to you the following ultimatum:

Pose for Playboy, or I will club this baby seal. That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to get you to pose. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy. Violence is not my preferred negotiating tactic, but by golly it works. Are you willing to let this cute and cuddly seal fall victim to a brutal assault simply to preserve your "integrity". May I suggest, kind madam, that you gave up ALL your integrity the minute you acted in a movie with Freddie Prinze, Jr. So, honestly, I don't know what is holding you back. For goodness sake, Cindy Margolis is posing before you. Have you no sense of decency, my dear Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Please do not get the wrong idea. I don't WANT to club this baby seal. But I feel like you've left me no choice. Frankly, I HAVE to club this seal if you don't pose. The Lord has spoken to me and commanded me, "Thou shalt club thy seal to maketh the Cleavaged One poseth for thy divine magazine." I can't argue with The Lord. Can you?

So once again, I leave it in your hands and urge you to make the right decision. Bare your chest or get a nice new fur coat. Which will it be?

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


Original JLH Petition

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