Wednesday, May 24, 2006

An Open Letter From Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore

My Sweet Demi,

By golly, the rumors are true. I want a child. I want a child more than SNL wants credibility. I want a child more than I want acting talent. I even want a child more than Paris Hilton wants ex-boyfriends to stop calling her hoo-hoo the "Jaws of Life." I want a full-blooded, American child, and I hope you'll be my receptacle. Or my baby's mamma. Whichever term you like better.

I apologize for coming to you in this open forum, but I thought there was no other way to let you know just how much I'm dreaming of daddyhood. Sure, I could tell you at night just before your botox injections, but then you wouldn't be able to cry tears of joy. Yes, I could tell you in the morning before you adjust your boob implants, but I'm afraid of being transfixed by those hypnotic weapons and losing my train of thought. And I guess I could tell you after lunch, but we all know that you don't like to hear good news when you're freebasing cocaine. It just amps you up too much and you go and do stupid things. Remember the "lettuce" incident? So, by process of elimination, my only choice is to write you this letter. My sweet Demi, I really want a child, and I'm willing to do anything to get it.

Your ovaries are very important to me, and I want to dump my sperm in them, but at the same time, I'm willing to adopt or kidnap to get a child. Seriously, I'll steal a child off the street if you won't be my loving receptacle. I'll buy one on the black market. I'll even take one from Britney Spears, as she seems proficient at popping them out. That's just how I roll. So lay down, put your legs up, and wait for it, baby. Ashton's gonna be a daddy...hopefully you'll be the mommy.

Ashton Kutcher


Original JLH Petition

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