Monday, May 15, 2006

An Open Letter From Karl Rove To God


Dear God,

I write to you today to extend an olive branch. In the past I know we've had our differences , what with you being supremely benevolent and me being...well...Karl Rove, but today is the dawn of a new period in my life and I thought it would be good to start off on the right foot. Besides, my contract with Satan has just expired, so I'm a free agent again. Like Phil Collins, I'm back on the market, baby!

So here's the deal. I will pledge to give up politics and work on your behalf for the rest of my natural life. Granted, many of those years may be behind bars, but I'll still spread the message. I'll work tirelessly on your behalf, using the no holds barred approach that has made me successful. For example, I'll start a whisper campaign besmirching Satan's honor. I'll also leak damaging information about Satan to the press as the main stream media forever will be my pawn. Trust me, when I'm done with Satan he'll be in worse shape than the Democratic party. Well, maybe not that bad, but it still won't be pretty. The point is I'll be your servant, messenger, and Number 1 asskicker. In return, I only ask for one thing.

Hair. Seriously, I just want some hair. Have you seen me recently? I look like a cancer patient. I've been sportin' that comb-over look for quite sometime, and let me tell you, it ain't working. Nobody wants to do me! Power is supposed to attract women, but I look like one of the Bobs from Office Space, so that sort of nullifies that. I'm willing to give up all of the riches and blessings that Satan promised me if you'll just give me some damn hair. A victory in the 2006 mid-terms for Republicans would also be nice, but I don't want to push my luck. I'll just settle for a nice perm.

There it is. My pledge to work tirelessly for you, in exchange for a little hair, and then a little somethin' somethin' from a few female Washington staffers. If you do a really good job, maybe I can do some Karl Kramming with Ashlee Simpson. She's been looking hot since that nose job. Any way you cut it, it's the perfect deal, if you ask me. Think about it and let me know. You can reach me on George's direct line to you. Thanks.


Best Regards,
Karl Rove.



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Original JLH Petition



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1 Comments:

Blogger Gigi said...

An Olive Branch!

Har, Har, Har. I love it.

5:07 PM  

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