Thursday, May 25, 2006

Ruben Studdard to Eat Taylor Hicks

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Fearing yet another threat to his failing career, former American Idol champion Ruben Studdard has publicly stated his intention to eat newly crowned American Idol champion Taylor Hicks. Studdard's career has been on the downslide, and with each new Idol champion his chances of success grow dimmer. And his appetite grows larger. At a hastily arranged press conference, Studdard said the following:

"I wholeheartedly congratulate Taylor Hicks on his victory last night. Despite having no discernible singing talent, greyer hair than Bea Arthur's vagina, and a tendency to make spastic gestures in lieu of dance steps, he deserved to win. But just as his victory will most certainly propel his career forward, it will send mine further downwards. That is why I must eat him. By consuming him I will be able to absorb his charismatic lifeforce and reduce my competition at the same time. Only then will my career receive the necessary boost that it deserves. I can sing, yo. It's time my record sales reflected that. Thank you and bon appetite."

Sources close to Mr. Hicks are concerned for his well-being, and have begun spraying him daily with broccoli-scented cologne to ward off Mr. Studdard, who notoriously hates the green vegetable. Mr. Studdard refused to make any further comments after his press conference, but has indicated that he's also looking forward to consuming Kelly Clarkson as she'd be a "meaty snack."


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is that is the stupidest thing I have ever read! Don't you have anything better to do?

2:33 PM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

Watch out...he may eat you too.

2:40 PM  
Blogger bobgirrl said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read! Keep up the good work!

(Oh, and BTW, I'm scared to click the "Bea Arthur's vagina" link.)

7:25 PM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

I was scared too....but it had to be done!

8:38 PM  

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