Sunday, May 28, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out On Angelina Jolie's Baby

Dear Angelina,

I oughta kick your ass. Real God damn Americans don't have their God damn children off in some foreign land. You and that pretty boy Brad Pitt should take a lesson from true patriots like Charles Bronson and Clint Eastwood. They spawned their children in the US of God damn A. But you're just some naked ole' hussy with great lips and a hell of a God damn rack. You don't know nothin. That's why I'm gonna give you some advice. Better listen to me or I might just get a little more pissed off.

1. Come back to the US now because all breastfeeding should be done in the US. And I should supervise. I ain't no pervert, I just don't trust you and that Pitt fella'.

2. You should name the child Wilford Brimley Jolie Pitt. I don't care that it was a girl. To restore order to this whole mess you've created, you need to give her a name synonymous with power. And anger. And big mustaches.

3. Make sure the kid gets tested for Diabetes. As you know, I have The Diabetes, and I sure as hell don't want another person to have it. That'll just make me cranky, and you sure as hell don't want that happening.

You better listen to me, Ms. Brangelina or whatever the hell you God damn go by these days. I know about child rearin', but it's my way or the highway. I don't think you want that God damn highway.

Wilford Brimley


Original JLH Petition

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