Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A Eulogy to the "5th Beatle" Billy Preston by Gary Coleman

Billy Preston, commonly known as the "5th Beatle" passed away yesterday. As we have in the past (#1, #2, #3), we turned to our diminutive friend Gary Coleman for a response. Read it and weep.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout 5th Beatle,

What part of Diff'rent Strokes didn't you understand? Was it too hard for you to accept that I played Arnold Jackson for 8 years? Did you really have to die because of it? I see the irony in your death. I was an international superstar on a hit sitcom and you were a 5th Beatle. Have you no shame? Have you no sense of decency? You have dishonored yourself and the Beatles with your passing. And thus we are saddened by your death.

Let me tell you three words, sir, that you will never forget even though you are dead. Arnold freaking Jackson. They should have had special meaning to you, but now you are dead so they mean nothing. Many will celebrate your accomplishments as a musician. I choose to celebrate myself, for I am truly the maestro who deserves praise. But you, being dead and therefore incapable of rational thought, will not understand this. Just as I will never understand Heather Mills McCartney's fixation with German porn, I will never comprehend why you have chosen to besmirch my honor with your coma and eventual death. She is the true 5th Beatle and you are one of my enemies. And thus I laugh at your position and mourn your death.

Clearly the world should be honoring me today, and I blame you for once again stealing my attention. There is no greater shame than depriving a man of his word, and you sir have done that with great gusto. Because of you, and because of my blinding insanity, nobody trusts me. They are the ones who are mistaken, for I was the greatest performer in the history of cinema. To ignore me is to ignore DNA, the sun, and talking vaginas. That's right, I said a nasty sentence. What are you going to do about it? I dare you to try something. Sadly, you will not. And so we mourn, and I shall avenge your death even if it costs me my own. Rejoice!

Gary Coleman


Original JLH petition

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