Monday, June 12, 2006

Exhausted Americans Happy That World Cup Is Providing Much Needed Naps

Gelsenkirchen, Germany (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

It's no secret that many Americans are overworked and overstressed. Many are also fat and lazy. While very little can be done about the latter (except exercise...but that takes effort), a new remedy has been discovered to provide much needed rest to those tired Americans. It's called The World Cup.

For years soccer, or futbol/football, has been boring Americans due to its slow pace, low scoring, and lack of scantily clad cheerleaders. As a result, every 4 years many Americans have routinely avoided watching World Cup sporting events. When given the choice between an NHL game and a World Cup soccer match, the NHL game was winning in the ratings, although that's not saying much. Choosing between watching those sports is comparable to deciding on whether to have a hamstring pull or a groin injury. It's inevitably painful and nobody really wins in the end.

However, this year, Americans have finally found a use for the World Cup: a cure for insomnia. The somnolent soccer event is providing Americans with a much needed source of sleep. Devoid of the distractions of an exciting basketball game, a tense tennis match, or even a rousing game of checkers between two 90 year old men, soccer is the perfect sport for the stressed American who just wants to sleep. Despite the hooting and hollering of drunken Europeans in American pubs, Americans are still able to fall asleep during The World cup due to its tremendous soporific effect. Even the players on the American World Cup team fell victim to the tranquilizing effect soccer, as they slept-walked through their first round loss to the Czech team.

No word from the rest of the world regarding the Americans' indifference to the beloved "no hands" sport. Although sources indicate the Euorpeans, South Americans, Aussies and all others were too drunk, at 8 AM in the morning wherever they live, to answer.


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Blogger bobgirrl said...

Everytime I hear the term "World Cup," I reply with "cup of what?"

4:04 PM  

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