Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Slayer, Pat Robertson Band Together to Decry Lack of Armageddon

Thanks to GiGi for the tip...

Flaming Pits of Hell, Underworld (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

When the clock struck 6:06 EDT on 06/06/06 and the world did not come to a screeching halt, a collective cheer could be heard emanating from many parts of the world. But two parties stayed noticeably silent: heavy metal band Slayer and intergalactic leg press champion Pat Robertson. Instead of cheering, the two banded together in the most unlikely of unions to decry the lack of an Armageddon.

Slayer, known for its praiseworthy depiction of Satan, had been gearing up for this day for 10 years. One fan site had even declared a National Day of Slayer in honor of the great occasion. With so much riding on the destruction of mankind, the band was understandably peeved when earth didn't blow up at 6:06, as without a true Armageddon, the band loses all credibility.

"This blows," said lead singer Tom Araya. "I mean, we talk about how powerful Satan is and how he's going to come for you, and now nothing happens on his greatest day. How can we ever be taken seriously again? Satan's a real dick. Maybe we'll sing about flowers or sunsets or something. I've lost the will to die. I really have."

Pat Robertson, noted religious nutjob, was distraught for a different reason. He really was hoping to see Jews and gays and blacks and members of the ACLU burn before his very eyes, without having to travel to South Carolina. Instead, nothing happened. Initial sadness turned to anger, then back to sadness, then to itchiness, then back to anger. It's then when he heard about Slayer's cause.

"I was just sitting in my house, playing on my X-box and quietly seething about this whole lack of Armageddon thing, when Jerry Falwell called and told me about Slayer. Now, normally I don't join together with commies, but a unique event called for a unique solution. I chugged some of my energy juice, leg pressed my Chevy Impala a few times, and then gave them a call. Surprisingly, they were receptive to me. I hate gay people. Sorry...just had to say that in case anyone forgot."

Sources close to both parties indicate that the union won't last long, as the pact will officially dissolve at the stroke of midnight on June 7. However, there are plans for a reunion tour next year, and sources close to the Slayer camp indicate that Robertson may open for them at Giant Stadium...if he's not busy leg pressing the tour bus.


Original JLH petition

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