Monday, June 19, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Hand Jobs

As many of you know, Wilford Brimley is a dear friend of the team over here at Please Do It Ms Hewitt. We think he's a really wise, albeit grumpy man who has much wisdom to impart to the masses. As such, we decided to give him a weekly column to vent about whatever the hell he'd like. Naturally, he chose relationships. Did you expect anything else?

So each Monday, Mr. Brimley will answer a question from you loyal readers out there with burning relationship questions, or questions about the burning sensation you're experiencing from a relationship. Just e-mail your queries to and Wilford will be sure to respond to the best ones. And we'll post a link to your blog if you have one.


Dear Wilford,

Last week my boyfriend and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary with a really romantic dinner at The Olive Garden. Things started to get a little frisky, and...well...I reached under the table to give him a little hand-loving. To my surprise, he pushed my hand away. Thinking back on it, it's not the first time he's done something like that. What gives? Does he not like me choking his Kojak? Or was I being inappropriate by doing that at a fancy place like The Olive Garden? What should I do?

Distressed in Deluth

Dear Distressed,

You're a God damn disgrace to the female species. Take this to heart: no man likes getting a hand job because women do not know how to give a good one. I don’t know why because it’s so God damn easy. I’ve been with women that can do things that have been proven impossible by modern physics, but they still have no fucking idea how to choke my Ikari Warrior. Maybe that’s the problem, they think they have to choke the damn thing to death. Just because girls can fit both hands (with very very very very much room to spare) on my member, doesn’t mean that they have to strangle it like an attacking cobra. No woman should ever give a man a hand job. Ever.

But if, for some damn reason, you start gettin' intimate with a young fellow and you really want to play the "grabby-rubby" game, then this is how you should do it. It's a simple God damn process. I know because I'm Wilford Brimley, Lord of The Hand Jobs.

1. Grab lightly.
2. Move up and down at a moderate pace.
3. That's it.

How fucking hard is that? I could teach a retarded preschooler those steps and he’d…uh…I mean she’d probably be better at it than most college age women. I think the key problem is the speed. This is not the boyscouts; you’re not trying to start a fire down there. And here’s another tip, if you see smoke...please stop. Ever get a rug burn? Enough said.

If you don't believe me, then you can go to hell. I got The Diabetes, so I don't have time to put up with crap like this from you ignorant young people. But if you really want to prove me wrong, then you'll get your chance. Here’s my proposition: every girl in America should give me a hand job next week. Or at least the first 10 who respond to this. You can reach me at For your sake, and I guess for mine too, I hope you prove me wrong. But until you do, would you stop giving any God damn hand jobs? Thank you.

Best Regards,
Wilford Brimley


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