Thursday, July 06, 2006

A Eulogy to Ken Lay by Gary Coleman

Kenneth "Kenny Boy" Lay, founder of Enron - the delightful Energy Company that swindled billions of shareholder dollars - died recently. As we have in the past (#1, #2, #3, #4), we here at Please Do It Ms Hewitt turned to our diminutive friend Gary Coleman for a response. Yup, we never learn.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Ken Lay,

You owe me an ice cream. For 2 centuries I invested in your company. Two whole centuries, Mr. Lay. And yet, now you die, humiliating me in the process. I was Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes! What part of international celebrity do you not understand? I had a brother named Willis and a father I called Mr. Drummond. Did you know Mr. Drummond is Canadian? You are not. And that is why you owe me an ice cream.

Clearly we should be celebrating my life. Yet, you are dead, robbing me of perpetual glory. People told me you were convicted of a crime. It figures, as your hogging of my well-deserved spotlight has been criminal. I still think you should go to jail, though. As a skeleton you would make a fine prisoner. I would make a great prisoner, because I am great at everything. But nobody will know that now because you have perished. And thus we are saddened by your death.

In conclusion, I will send your family the bill for my ice cream. I demand payment in due haste or I will send Willis to ram your car. Oh, he will ram it. Ram it like a fox. My prayers are with your family, but mostly they are with me. I deserve all prayers. Pray to me. Now.

Gary Coleman


Original JLH petition

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