Monday, July 10, 2006

I Ate Suri Cruise

Dear World,

Nobody has seen Suri Cruise. Nobody! It's because I ate her. I ate her! I told you I ate a baby once before and I told you I'd eat another. I was bigger than it and higher up on the food chain, so I ate it. It got in my belly!

Sigh. I'm sorry, I didn't really eat Suri Cruise. It's just been so long since I've been in the spotlight and I really wanted to feel like I was part of the discussion again, you know? All this talk about Britney and Lindsay and Paris and Major Dad just made me jealous. I feel like I could eat a baby! But really, I just eat chocolate instead. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than Pam Anderson, but not Bill Parcells. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. Wait...there I go again quoting dialogue straight from one of my movies. See, I can't even be original anymore. I hate my life and I hate my father. He did this to me.

I'm going to go hang myself now. Goodbye cruel world.

Regretfully Yours,
Fat Bastard


Original JLH petition

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Blogger parnellpr said...

Fat bastard you rule! P.S Any chance you could do something amusing on the zidane/materazzi incident?

10:30 PM  
Anonymous Suri with the Fringe on Top said...

Help me! Help me!

5:07 PM  

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