Friday, July 07, 2006

I Did Not Fondle Any Fans

Dear Female Baseball Fans,

It seems there's this crazy story out there about a baseball mascot who fondled a fan. Well, that wasn't me, I assure you. Although I often dream of touching your breasts in many, many, many inappropriate ways, I swear that I am a phondle phree Phillie Phanatic.

Look at my face. Does it look like I'm lying? How can you not trust an innocent face like this? When I say I didn't fondle anybody, I mean I didn't fondle anyone. It was another mascot, not me. Okay? Can you just drop the issue?

Okay, maybe I fondled a few women. I'm telling you it was consensual. Fondle is such a strong word. As is molest. Can you maybe call it, "slyly touched?" How about "unknowingly brushed against." I promise it was very innocent. They even smiled at me and waved after it happened.

Okay, maybe I raped a few women. I'm telling you they wanted it! Look at me, can't you see I'm a sexual dynamo? This is a hot look, baby, and you know that every female fan wants a piece. Sure, I drugged their beers and then took them on top of the dugout after the game, but anyone would have done the same in my situation. Seriously!

Okay, maybe I raped and murdered a few women and molested a few men. It's've got nothing for this one. I'll turn myself in tomorrow.

Phillie Phanatic


Original JLH petition

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