Saturday, July 15, 2006

I'm So Much Jewisher Than You

Dear Not Chosen, Just Posin',

You claim to be a fake Jew. Guess what - I'm a real jew and I'm proud of it. I'm sooooo much Jewisher than you, it's not even funny. Actually, it is funny and I know funny because I was on Friends. Not sure which one? Look for the funniest and most Jewishist of all of them and you're sure to find me. Yeah, I'm THAT Jewish.

Frankly, you're a disgrace. There are so many more qualified Members of the Tribe that should be working at that magazine. Yet you, a FAKE JEW takes their well-deserved place. Okay, so maybe you're technically qualified on paper...but Judah Maccabee wasn't made of paper. He was made of flesh, blood, and Jew. Like me. You? You're made of something very not Jewish. Go celebrate Festivus or something. make me seethe with anger. Jewish anger! I'm missing the Sabbath right now because of you. For that I should never forgive you, but I will because I'm Jewish and that's just what I do. You wouldn't know about that because I clearly am so so so so so so much Jewisher than you. I bleed matzo. I sweat gefilte fish. I cry brisket. I am the most Jewishist person in the entire world. And for that, I am happy.

Go think about what I said. Ponder it. Consider it. Remember it. Next time maybe you won't be so capricious with your proclamations.

David Schwimmer


Original JLH petition

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Blogger Not Chosen said...

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, I mean, Italian.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous Dan Patterson said...

Wasn't Schwimmer in "An Apt Pupil"? Maybe that was another Jew. I can never tell because I am neither a pew-jumping snake-handler, nor a part of a world-wide scheme to dominate the world and control the banks, and, and, and...

When is JLH going to 'do the deed', man?! Don't you have some INFLUENCE??

9:17 PM  

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