Sunday, July 02, 2006

Rob Schneider Is Safe; Praise The Lord!

Dear Rob,

I'm so happy you're safe. When Ralph Macchio told me that you collapsed from a heat stroke, I was devastated. I called up Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez and broke the news and they burst into tears. Frankly, we were terrified that you weren't going to pull out of this. I don't know what we would do if another Deuce Bigalow couldn't be filmed. Judd called up Rob Lowe and he offered to kill the Sun in revenge for it giving you a heat stroke. I gotta tell you, we were pretty damn close to doing it, but then Patrick Swayze called and calmed us down. How he knew that we had gotten all hot and bothered (no pun intended) will forever be a mystery to me, but thank goodness he called. Otherwise we would have been on a one-way ticket to the Sun, to give it an ass-kicking it never would have forgetten. Admittedly we may have died, but it would have been worth it to avenge your honor. Matt Dillon agreed.

Anyway, if you need anything for your recovery, including a Tahitian prostitute, let me know. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows Leif Garrett, who can hook us up. Just don't tell Bronson Pinchot, he may get pissed off and do something nasty. He gets like that. Seriously, please feel free to call me if you experience any discomfort in the future. I could even be convinced to give you a reach-around. Ha ha...kidding. Maybe not. No, really, I am. Or not. We shall see.

C. Thomas Howell


Original JLH petition

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Anonymous bobgirrl said...

Oh dear, I have the honor of actually having attended the same university as Mr. Schneider. He only lasted a semester. Thankfully. He was distraught over the breakup with Diane Lane.

4:57 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

You sure, it wasn't because of a no "white afro" rule?

10:50 AM  

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