Monday, July 17, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Sex Tapes

Thanks to Mike (probably) for this week's question. There were a few, and Wilford promises to get to all of them in due time. Check in next Monday for the next installment of The Grizzled Grandmaster of Great Sex: Wilford Brimley. Until then, keep those questions coming to


Mr. Wilford Brimley:

What I want to know, sir, is have you ever made your own sex tape, or even thought of making your own? Many celebs are doing it these days, and for many it has enhanced, or even started, their career. What say you, oh grand mustachioed one?

Mike (probably)

Dear Mike (probably),

Thanks for your God damn question. Of course I made a God damn sex tape. How the did you think I got so damn famous? Hell, I invented the sex tape craze back in 1957. At the time we didn't have no God damn handheld cameras. But I took a lot pictures of me having some sex with the Mrs. and then put them together in a flipbook. Sure, it was low-tech, but we didn't have the God damn Internets to use, so we made do with what we had. Frankly, it was a hell of a sexy flipbook and it made quite the rounds in Hollywood. I didn't even have to do an audition for Cocoon. I just sent them my makeshift "sex tape" and they practically begged me to play the role. I got more virility in my God damn pinky toe than 400 young fellows like you put together. Next time don't be so damn ignorant with your questions.

Unfortunately, I haven't released another sex tape. Even though I like taking my wife up the Wilford Hole on a routine basis, I don't film myself no more. It's because of The Diabetes. It's tough to hold a camera, check my blood sugar, inject insulin, and pleasure my wife all at the same time. It's God damn near impossible. I know the world is waiting for a new and improved Wilford Brimley sex tape to spread around your God damn Internets, but you're just going to have to wait a bit longer. I ain't ready to show you my naked ass quite yet. You're just gonna have to hold on to see it again.

But I urge all you young fellows out there to make a sex tape with your woman. Hell, if she ain't into it, go buy a woman in Russia and film the two of you engaging in some bump 'n grind action. I don't really care. The important point is that a sex tape will improve your career, and really that's all you should care about. Relationships are a good thing, but they don't mean much if you ain't makin' money. Then you're a God damn waste of space. That's what I tell my deadbeat son-in-law all the time. That kid's a God damn waste of space, and he should really consider making a sex tape with my daughter. Maybe then he'll pick up a check one of these days.

Oh, and as for the key to my sex tape success? The mustache. Let's just say it tickles their God damn thighs.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


Original JLH petition

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Blogger parnellpr said...

That was a nice image with the needles etc.....not. What would wilford say about GWB's little out take at the G8?Enquiring minds need to know.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Anyone see supertroopers?

"Who Wants a mustasche ride?"


10:40 PM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

Excuse me, are you saying meow?

11:46 PM  

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