Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Orgasms

There were no questions for Wilford this week, folks. The deadline was even extended to Tuesday night, but nothing. Shame on all of you! Thank goodness Wilford has a plethora of strong opinions on everything relationship-related, so he had something to write about this week. But keep sending those questions to pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com.


Dear America and Sometimes God damn Canada,

I haven't had a good God damn orgasm in some 20 odd years. I ain't proud of that fact. I ain't ashamed of it. It just is what it God damn is. When you have The Diabetes, like I do, there are more important things to worry about. Like the time I broke my last needle and had no way to inject my insulin. Hell, I could have died. In fact, I did die. But then I told The Lord how pissed off I was and he sent me the hell back to Earth, where I promptly began doing commercials for Liberty Medical. And, well, the rest is God damn history.

But getting back to God damn orgasms. As I said, I ain't had an orgasm in some 20 odd years. I got enough backed up sperm in me to fill the God damn Minnesota Metrodome. And you know what? That's why I'm always so pissed off. Oh sure, my wife still gives me The Sex in the Wilford Hole, but it ain't enough. It's like stabbing a prostitute with a shard of glass. Sure, it gets one less criminal off the street, but does it really make a God damn difference in the world? No, which is why I tell my wife every night that I think she's a God damn prostitute and I want to stab her. For some reason, this is killing our marriage.

So I urge you young fellows out there to orgasm whenever you can. Do it alone. Do it with a partner. Hell, I don't care if you do it to my picture. I am an American sex symbol, after all. However you do it, just be sure and do it soon, or you may just go out and stab your girlfriend or wife. I won't approve of it, but I won't report you to the authorities either because I ain't no God damn rat. The point is that frequent orgasms are the key to all relationships. Have them or die single. It's your God damn choice.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


Original JLH petition

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Blogger Gigi said...

As my dad always says, an intelligent person can get his or her point across without cursing...

(Yeah, I never bought it either)

8:48 AM  

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