Sorry to hear about your little drinky-drinky relapse
. It just goes to show you that stopping cold turkey never works at anything. I tried to quit smoking once, but that only lasted a week. I tried to quit beating my wife last year, but was at it again in no time. And just last week I tried to stop renting Rudy
, but I couldn't help myself and had to watch it when it was on HBO today. The point is, AA works for a reason, and if you don't use it you'll never quit drinking. It's good that you're off to a "rehab" center this time, but just ask Robert Downey Jr.
how well those things work out. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Anyway, to help you overcome your drinking problem, I've been nice enough to give you 12 steps to follow. Yes, these steps differ a bit from our usual 12-step program, but in your case I think you need it. Follow these and your life will regain some order again.
1. Get some new "improv" material. Sorry, but referencing the movies Sybil
or the Fly
, just doesn't cut it anymore. Oh, and the black-person-speaking-jive joke? As David Spade would say - the 1980s called and they want their joke back.
2. Convert to Scientology. Having a stress test from them could calm you down. Who knows, maybe all those voices you do are just Thetans trying to escape from your body.
3. Two words for you - Flubber
4. Become Kosher. Trust me, after 1 week of Manischewitz wine, you'll never want to drink again. It's the only wine that has to be dispensed like a ketchup bottle.
5. Have sex with Wilmer Valderrama. It may not necessarily help you, but hell, everyone else is doing it.
6. Start doing cocaine again. You were much funnier and cooler when you were on coke. Here at AA we only care about alcoholism. Wanna be a drug addict? Go knock yourself out.
7. Wax off your massive quantity of body hair. Hirsute men have a much higher prevalence of alcoholism. See also: Mel Gibson
, Salma Hayek
8. Watch the E! True Hollywood Story
about Leif Garrett. If that doesn't scare you straight about the dangers of alcoholism, I don't know what will. Even if it doesn't scare you straight, you should still watch it. His life SUCKS and it inevitably will make you feel better about yourself.
9. Two more words: Flubber
10. Go on a damn treadmill. That look you got going on? Can't be good for confidence. I'm surprised your wife isn't the alcoholic. If I had to see you with your shirt off everyday, I'd sure as hell be a fall-down drunk.
11. Submit yourself to a higher power. If G-d doesn't work for you, try Michael Ovitz.
12. Apologize to your friends and family and take responsibility for your actions. When that's done, tell everyone how much money you make. Then show them the money. Rub it all over yourself. Lick it. Laugh at them. That should help you feel better about yourself.
Hopefully these 12 steps will help you on your path to recovery. If not, well, sorry. Guess it sucks to be you. Cheers!
Best of Luck,
petitionTags: Robin Williams, Robin Williams Rehab, alcoholism, AA, Wilmer Valderrama
, E! True Hollywood Story
, Mel Gibson
Labels: Mel Gibson, Robert Downey Jr., Robin Williams, Scientology, Wilmer Valderrama