Friday, August 11, 2006

8 Simple Rules For Running In Central Park

Dear Fans and Friends,

I know there are tons of "top 10" lists out there describing running etiquette and what not. Too bad, here's another one.

8 Simple Rules for Running in Central Park:

8. Never, ever let the fat middle-aged guy pass you, especially if he's wearing a headband and using a 1980s walkman. Watch out, they're deceptively fast.

7. If you're running against the wind, never let the anorexic girl pass you. She has a hard enough time just moving forward against the wind, so if she passes're a slow fuck and you better rethink that diet plan.

6. Pass other runners only on the left or right or directly through them if they're going really fucking slow.

5. If you're a 6'3" well-tanned Asian male with bulging biceps, rippling pecs, and dreamy're not allowed to run during daylight hours when every damn woman in the park can stare at you when you run by (you know who you are, asshole).

4. There is a mandatory body fat maximum for all male runners who wish to run shirtless and female runners who wish to run in sports bras. Anything goes for transvestites.

3. There is only one acceptable direction for running around the reservoir. Violators will be pushed in. There are appropriate times to go against accepted norms (e.g., punk music, anal sex, being a non-Jewish agent in Hollywood). This isn't one of those times.

2. If you're an attractive female with a smoking body who likes to run in short-shorts and a sports must be 18 or over. Otherwise, well, c'mon. It's not fair.

1. If a biker is silently zooming by you at 700 mph and you happen to move a little to your right without knowing he's coming because, of course, he didn't warn you or anything, and he happens to veer off into traffic and get hit by a be it. Bikers are the biggest hazards in all of Central Park and deserve any fate that befalls them. As Ivan Drago would say, "If he dies, he dies." Fuck him.

That is all. Happy running, America and sometimes Canada.

Best Regards,
Concerned Fan


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Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

That Ivan Drago quote has never been used to such powerful affect. I'm shivering in the hot august sun.

11:50 PM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

Lafftastic, dude.

Thanks for sharing.

9:15 AM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

::snicker snicker::

3:23 PM  
Blogger parnellpr said...



P.S Have you seen the chuck norris facts site. I discovered it last night, and did a post. Please come and comment, i think you would find the "facts" hilarious and maybe good material. Wilford might like them as well.


8:13 PM  
Blogger tamar said...

I hear ya on the bikers.. But yet.. Can't we all get along?? I'm a runner, and live upstate, and therefore my running trail is only a fraction as crowded as the trails of Central Park.. But we have biker mishaps as well.. Add to the list: If you're a biker and coming up upon a runner, NEVER shout out to the runner as you approach their ear, 'ON YOUR LEFT!', lest you give the runner a heart attack..

10:53 PM  

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