Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Britney Spears Loves Paris Hilton's New Album

Howdy Paris,

I bought your album the other day and it's, like, soooo good! Like, I was listening to it and I just started bawling. Just like you! I know a lot of people don't like your music, and probably cry for a different reason when they hear it, but as I tell K-Fed every day, "Who cares about other people when you're rich!" He usually nods and takes money from my wallet. But I don't care cuz I got lots of it. I'm, like, all fat and white trashy, but I don't care cuz I got me some money, baby! And I birthed me a child, which all cool and stuff.

But gettin' back to your album. I'm cryin' just thinking about it. Holy crap, you can sing like a sweet possum in the summertime. That's what my momma used to say about my sweet voice. Now I sing about my money and my chocolate, both of which K-Fed takes for granted. You know, chocolate don't grow on no trees. Branches do. But I don't eat no branches. Just pork and chocolate. I'm sure you understand. You eat that before throwing up, right?

Anyway, baby, I'm going to go buy 10 more copies of your album. When K-Fed gets back from wherever the hell he goes during the day, he'll drive my ass to the store to get it. Like my granddaddy used to say, we'll be happier than a pie on a fat man's chair. Or maybe K-Fed said that. I don't know. He barely speaks English as is. But he dongs me up every night and that's all I need. You understand. I've seen your video. Gets me hotter than a firecracker in my cooch. I made that expression up, but I'm sure my kids will say it one day!

Keep on singin'.

Britney Spears


Original JLH petition

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