Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Jake Gyllenhaal To Star In New Movie Called: I'm Not Gay And Let Me Prove It By Having Sex With Your Girlfriend Or Sister

Los Angeles, CA (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

Jake Gyllenhaal, star of the critically acclaimed gay cowboy movie, Brokeback Mountain, is slated to star in a new movie proclaiming his total and utter "non-gayness." The new movie, called I'm Not Gay And Let Me Prove It By Having Sex With Your Girlfriend Or Sister, stars Gyllenhaal as a renegade pirate biker astronaut named Panther Rogers who rides from town to town, sleeping with the hot women in the town and solving mysteries. He's assisted in the movie by his virile and very heterosexual sidekick Puma Sanders, played by the great Lorenzo Lamas. Together they form a formidable team known only as "Straight."

Since the release of Brokeback Mountain, Gyllenhaal has been dogged by jokes about his masculinity. At the recent ESPY awards, Lance Armstrong made a now infamous joke about Mr. Gyllenhaal, and then later blew him backstage. To dispel the rumors, Mr. Gyllenhaal accepted the lead role in the new movie, and then proceeded to have sex with every female cast member, even though there weren't any. He has even gone so far as to promote his new movie as a male movie of Hasselhoff proportions, a bold proclamation to be sure.

Sources indicate that Gyllenhaal was not the first choice for the movie, but insisted on getting the part after being hit on by Kevin Spacey, Lance Bass, and the entire cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Sources close to the movie also indicate that the original title was a more pedestrian "Attack Of The Killer People" but was later changed after Mr. Gyllenhaal ripped off his shirt in anger and beat his chest repeatedly.

No word yet from Natalie Portman, who is reportedly dating Mr. Gyllenhaal, although sources close to the actress indicate that she's unhappy about the movie and is looking forward to Jake's next role in Brokeback Mountain II: No Really, I'm Gay...Seriously.


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Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

I think he and Jenn Luv Hewitt should DO IT online, LIVE!

12:25 PM  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Oh you crack me up!!!

You doa great job on these by the way, really love them.

A few years ago when Hugh Grant got caught with a hooker...there was an idea that at least now, no one thinks he's gay!

12:35 PM  
Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Here via Candy Minx and 20 Comments Wednesday. This is a great site!

5:11 PM  
Blogger Nancy Drew said...

Maybe he should make a movie called 'Who Cares?'

Here via WC's 20 Comments Wednesday...love the post...

10:31 PM  

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