Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Jennifer Love Hewitt Owes Me A Refund



Dear Ms. Hewitt,

You owe me a refund. I trusted you and you let me down in a profound way. Pro-found. Only because you are...well...you will I forgive you. If you were just a regular ole big-bosomed star, say Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Simpson or Jonathon Taylor Thomas, then I would be enraged with anger. But since you are...well...you, then I will forgive you.

Your offense? The Truth About Love. This was, single-handedly, the worst movie ever made in the history of this crazy thing we call humankind. The worst. There is no equal in its putridity. I've seen Ishtar, Battlefield Earth, Showgirls, Pearl Harbor, and Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, but this one tops them all. For some reason beyond comprehension, my fiance convinced me to rent this. And now? Our relationship is practically in shambles. Thanks entirely to your movie.

I guess my problem with it is everything. The score, the plot, the dialogue, the acting, the cinematography...I could continue but my hand is getting sore from typing. I would go into details, but I fear my computer would melt from the sheer ridiculousness of the descriptions. That's how bad the movie is - it melts computers. Yes, I know it set records in South Korea. But...well...uh...that's South Korea. You see what I'm saying?

So due to the injuries inflicted upon my brain from your movie I demand a refund. However, instead of monetary reparations, I demand payment in the form of you going topless. That's right, you now OWE it to me and the 65 non-South Koreans who viewed this travesty of a sham of two mockeries of a sham of a movie. My eyes have been scarred by this film, and I demand that you un-scar them by showing me your jubblies. In return for starring in this awful movie I demand your meat puppets to be shown. Show them, Ms. Hewitt! Anything else would be unjust.

I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice. Forget advancing your career through the art of nudity. I just want to see some boobs in Playboy as compensation for my trouble. Is that really too much to ask?


Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


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Original JLH petition


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5 Comments:

Blogger Ben said...

In her defense, you need to watch Ishtar once more. There's just no feasible way it could be worse.

If that doesn't kill you, try Leprachaun IV: In Space or Leprachaun V: In Da' Hood. You see what I'm getting at, here, right? Some people have worked very hard at making the worst possible movie.

I need to make a top 5 I think, because I just remembered "Cool as Ice," starring Vanilla Ice.

7:11 AM  
Anonymous jennifer love hewitt said...

i got a check...nuff...said

9:07 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

Ben, I hear you, and I actually almost included Leprachaun V: In Da' Hood, but this movie was just awful.

There are so many gloriously bad movies out there that could have been included, but this one tops them all. Even Here On Earth...where the main character gets Knee Cancer. Yes, you read that correctly.

9:36 AM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

Well, she's gotta do it now, right?

10:37 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

As I see it, she no longer has a choice.

10:47 AM  

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