Thursday, August 03, 2006

Lindsay Lohan To Reform Partying Ways

Dear World,

I'm ready to turn over a new leaf. Getting a scolding from Morgan Creek Productions, and being dropped by Island Records has served as a wake up call. My party days are over. Sorta. Maybe. I think. Probably.

To show you how sincere I am, I have outlined 5 steps that I will take to ensure that I become a more responsible person. I promise you'll love me again after you see me do these things. I can be your beloved, chesty, freckled, and vomiting Teen Queen again! Just give me one more chance. I know you've already given me 10,000 chances, but that's really only average in Hollywood. Just ask Robert Downey Jr. Okay, the steps:

1. I promise to shorten my crazy nights out. From now on, I will abide by a strict curfew enforceable by electric shock. If I am not in my trailer/hotel room by 4:00 AM each day after a night out, then you can shock me. Okay, maybe that's a little excessive. 4:30 AM.

2. I promise not to be late to photo-shoots or movie sets or any other commitments. Of course, this includes a customary 3 hour window after my expected arrival time. But, c'mon, that's to be expected. It's not like this is Nazi Germany, much to Mel Gibson's dismay.

3. I promise not to get drunk and sleep around town. Or at least not on Wednesdays.

4. I promise not to let my eating disorder get in the way of filming schedules. To prevent bulimia-related dehydration, I will be sure to have a glass of water after I throw up. To prevent anorexia-related fainting, I will be sure and eat at least Wheat Thins before starting filming in the morning. This should help a lot.

5. I promise never to hug Jeremy Piven again. This should be self-explanatory.

Seriously, by following these 5 steps, I'll become a respected Teen Queen again. You'll love me, once again, I just know it! Speaking of love, I gotta go now. It's been a few hours since I had a drink and I'm starting to shake. Wouldn't want to go into withdrawal...that'll just delay filming!

Lindsay Lohan


Original JLH petition

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Anonymous bobgirrl said...

She really is just one giant freckle, isn't she?

12:02 PM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

You know what they say:

A freckle a day, keeps the doctor calling you because it increases your predisposition for skin cancer

or something

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Birdy said...

A monumental waste of space more like.

4:52 PM  

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