Thursday, August 17, 2006

Steve Guttenberg Hates Scientists

My name is Steve Guttenberg, and I officially hate all scientists. Hate them with a passion. I have a reason for this hatred. Several, actually.

First, I am the failed product of poorly planned genetic engineering. Contrary to what you may think from watching me act, I am not a robot. I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made. However, I do not have a traditional birth mother and father like you other humans. Instead, I was created in a test tube from a multitude of different sperms. This "Guttenberg Milkshake" was then implanted into a carefully selected receptacle whom I now call mom. You know, like the movie Twins. The goal was to create the finest actor ever to walk this earth. The result was Sergeant Mahoney. It's those damn scientists who are to blame.

My second gripe with scientists concerns a recent study about dolphins. In this "study," the "scientist" in question concluded that dolphins are actually dimwits incapable of complex information processing. Oh, I beg to differ. You see, I happen to know a lot about dolphins. I was in Zeus and Roxanne, a movie based on interspecies communication between a dog and a dolphin. Is that complex enough for you? This is why I hate scientists. They make conclusions before even checking all the facts. Maybe if they had watched more of my movies, then we'd be able to put a man on mars, develop fusion, and finally kill-off Dick Clark.

Finally, I hate scientists because Tom Cruise told me to hate them. He promised me a job if I said that, and I really need the work. I'm so broke because I can't act (damn those genetic engineering scientists!), and I'm contemplating eating my foot for sustenance. Damn scientists.

Best Regards,
Steve Guttenberg


Original JLH petition

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Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

Guttenberg Milkshake!! If starbucks were smart, they'd start offering that bad boy.

10:51 AM  

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