Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Sugar Tits

No questions again this week. Sigh. Don't worry, though, our good friend Wilford Brimley always has something on his mind when it comes to relationships. But keep those questions coming to pleasedoitmshewitt@yahoo.com or he may just stab you with an insulin needle.

Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

It seems that Mel Gibson has gone and done a God damn stupid thing. Not only did that dumb young fellow go and get hisself drunk and then drive, he went on a God damn anti-Semitic tirade. Now as you know I have no God damn patience for religious hatred. Many of my doctor friends over at Liberty Medical are Jewish people. They're great God damn people and they saved my life many times over with their blood testin' supplies. Hell, my friend over here at this God damn website (ed note: he means me) is Jewish and I ain't got no problems with him. He's a bit weird and he uses his left hand to wipe his ass, which is God damn insane, but I like him just fine. So by tarnishin' the Jewish people, you're tarnishin' my friends and therefore me. Son, I don't think you want the God damn hurt that I can put on you. So think about that the next time you want to besmirch a people.

That aside, I did think one thing you said was worth repeatin' as it's a great God damn thing to use in a relationship. I notice you called a female police officer "Sugar Tits." That's a hell of an inappropriate thing to call an officer of the law, but it's a great thing to call your wife in bed. Sometimes, when I'm givin' my wife a good poundin' in the Wilford Hole, I tell her she's a good Sugar Tits. Sometimes she says it to me. It don't matter. What matters is that it's said, and it's a hell of an affectionate thing to call a lover during a passionate embrace. I ain't no medical doctor, but I'd be willing to bet my testin' supplies that anybody who calls their lover Sugar Tits has a God damn successful relationship. It's especially useful if you have The Diabetes, as I do, as it it'll create such a God damn adrenaline rush as to regulate your blood sugar. Trust me, I know The Diabetes.

So if you're in a good relationship but want to take it up to the next God damn level, be sure and call your God damn loved one Sugar Tits. She'll thank you, I'll thank you, and Mel may even thank you. If he ain't too drunk to respond. Damn young fellow.

Pissed Off,
Wilford "Sugar Tits" Brimley


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Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

Sugar Tits!!! what a perfect nickname for him.

10:38 AM  
Blogger parnellpr said...

Haven't been here in a while but OMG this made me laugh sooooo hard! From now one mel should ONLY be referred as sugar tits by his wife.

6:16 PM  
Blogger Candy Minx said...

Oh, that was hilarious, very well done!

9:07 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

I take no credit. It's allllll Wilford....

10:13 AM  
Blogger Attila The Mom said...

Came in through Pippa's link.

This is brilliant! I can't stop laughing!

9:39 AM  
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7:48 PM  

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