Monday, August 07, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Wiping

Thanks to Ben for this week's question. Actually, there were two from him plus one from Amy in Alabama (send along a website if you have one), which Wilford promises to answer this week or by Monday at the latest. Until then, keep those questions coming to


Dear Mr. Brimley,

You mentioned the editor wipes his ass with his left hand (ed. note: I don't...he's lying!), which I agree is simply nuts. I wanted to know more about your wiping habits. Do you wipe sitting down? If so, do you pull your balls out of the way with your left hand, or just go for it? Are you a ‘stand-up wiper?’ If so, do you ever prop your leg up on the bowl so you can really get in there? Also, are your balls so saggy now that you have to worry about them hitting the water?

I know you’re thinking I want to know way too much information about your ass and balls, but I’ve always struggled with my own strategies. I used to be a stander, but now I’ve shifted to a sitting role. I’m already worried about my balls hitting the water too—I can’t imagine old age improves that dilemma.


Dear Ben,

Thanks for your God damn question. I gotta tell ya', you are one strange young fella'. Frankly, I'm a bit nervous about the interest you have in my ass and balls. Hell, I haven't had this much interest in my balls since the God damn Korean War. Sure, my wife likes 'em fine, but she ain't never sent no God damn e-mail about them. Once she sent me a telegram about them, but that was pretty common back in my day. You kids wouldn't know anything about that, because of your God damn MTV and cell phones and battery-powered vibrators. You're always distracted. So much so that you sometimes neglect The Diabetes, and that's a God damn shame. If you don't get your God damn blood sugar tested, you ain't worth my time.

Anyway, seeing as you're so interested in my God damn ass and balls, I'll tell ya' how I wipe. Sitting on the toilet, left to right in slightly circular counter-clockwise fashion. You can print that in your God damn NY Times, you damn hippie bastard. I don't need to pull my balls out of the way. I just give 'em a stern lookin' at and they suck into my God damn body. When I'm done, I just say "release" and they pop out with a "thwop" noise. Sometimes they hit the water, but most of the time they just hang out like a God damn teenager at a 7-11. They used to hit the water more frequently, but The Diabetes has shrunk them a bit over time. It's a good thing too, as I used to have God damn donkey balls.

So does that help you at all, you damn pervert? I'm supposed to be using this forum to provide God damn relationship advice, but I don't know what this has to do with relationships. Maybe your wife married you for your wiping habits. Maybe she married you in spite of them. Hell, maybe she married you because your "warrior" looks like a syringe for insulin injectin'. Frankly, I don't care. What's important is that you not let my balls affect your God damn marriage. Trust me, they will if you keep talkin' about them. Just shut up, go home and make sweet, sweet love to your wife. Tell her Wilford Brimley sent you.

Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


Original JLH petition

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Blogger Bill said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:04 PM  
Blogger Bill Tabernacle said...


You were in the Korean War too, eh? Which unit?

I was in the 63rd or 45th or some goddamn thing.

I'm glad I don't have the diabetes, but my bloodpump took a shit on me a little over a month or two ago. My piss pump too.

It sucks being old.

Bill Tabernacle

5:10 PM  

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