Monday, September 18, 2006

First Bionic Woman Gives Awful Handjobs

Source: Here

Chicago, IL (ABSP) - Associated BS Press

It's the stuff of science fiction: a prosthetic arm that can be moved just by thinking about it and that can feel heat and the pressure of a handshake. It became a reality for US Marine Claudia Mitchell two years after she lost her arm to a motorcycle. Unfortunately, the bionic arm spelled trouble for her relationship with her husband Lenny. On her first night back from the hospital, Ms. Mitchell repeatedly crushed her husband's penis while trying to give him rudimentary hand jobs. Lacking the dexterity of a normal arm, her bionic arm clenched with the crushing power of a crocodile's bite, obliterating her poor husband's man-shaft. He was rushed to the hospital, where he is recovering now.

Sources close to Ms. Mitchell indicate she is absolutely crushed by what happened. Not as crushed as her husband's penis, but still quite crushed nonetheless. Since high school she had always been a maestro at the forbidden art of the manual stroke job. But after losing her arm, she thought her strokey-strokey days were over. However, upon receiving her new bionic arm, she had renewed hope. Unfortunately that hope was squashed like her husband's urethra.

Despite the dire situation for Lenny's crotchal region, there is hope for the depressed couple. Dr. Todd Kuiken, who developed the technology as director of the Neural Engineering Center for Bionic Medicine, may just have a solution. "I think we can save Lenny's dong. Well, save is not really the right word. More accurately, I want to rebuild it. That's right, I want to give Lenny a bionic penis. The whole reason I invented this technology was to one day create a bionic penis. Now I have the opportunity to live out my life's dream and create a robo-dick. Science will never be the same."

No word yet from Lenny, as he remains in serious condition. Sources close to the injured husband indicate that he is looking forward to getting a bionic penis, and really hopes it will make the "eh-eh-eh-eh-eh" bionic sound everytime he uses it.


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Blogger Ryan said...

I just read some of your posts.

You're hilarious.

4:23 AM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

Oh, lordy!

Bionic is deffo NOT the way to go, dude.


7:55 AM  

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