Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Five Rules To An Easy Yom Kippur Fast: By Mila Kunis

Hi everybody! You may know me as "that hot chick" on That 70s Show, or as the voice as Meg on Family Guy. I'm also something that a lot of you may not be aware of. No, I'm not infected with Hepatitis C. That's Steven Tyler and Pamela Anderson. My little secret is that I'm Jewish. Did you know that I was born in the Ukraine to Jewish parents? Yuppers. I'm as Jewish as Brad "Heavenly Giant" Garrett or Ben "I Have No Acting Talent Whatsoever" Stiller. They don't hold a candle to me when it comes to tribemanship. Member... of...the...motherfucking... tribe!!! :) :) Sorry about cursing, but they don't let me curse much on TV, so I need to get it out of my system every once in a while.

Okay, so to prove my Jew-tastic wisdom, I'm going to give you my advice on how to have an easy and meaningful fast for Yom Kippur. All you have to do is follow five simple steps. No more. No less. These five steps will help you get from sundown to sundown without seriously contemplating eating your own foot in starvation. And you may just learn something along the way. Yay!

Step 1: Have a huge pork chop and bacon strip dinner the night before (we call it Kol Nidre...but you can just call it "The Nightmare Before Yom Kippur"). You see, most Jews try to avoid highly non-kosher food items and end up not eating pig. Unfortunately, that's exactly the wrong strategy before fasting. It doesn't matter if you eat non-kosher food before Yom Kippur because you're getting all of your sins out the next day anyway. Might as well revel in it while you can! Also, eating a pound or two of pork and bacon the night before Yom Kippur will make you so disgusted and sick, that you will end up sleeping and throwing up the entire next day. You'll have no appetite and won't want to eat! See what I'm talking about? Yeah, it's magic. Ain't I smart?

Step 2: Don't let Kelso spoil things by being all hot and stuff. Ha ha, just kidding. Seriously, don't have sex with a significant other while fasting. It's not because you'll get tired, although that's true. You just don't want to ruin your day of reflection with a big disappointment. And if you're like me, sex is one big disappointment after another.

Step 3: Put little signs up in your pantry that say "Go back!" or "You're not hungry, bitch!" or "What would Mary-Kate Olsen do?" or "American Psycho II: All American Girl was a really underrated movie and should be rented at least once a month." This will help you to keep fasting, even when your willpower gets low

Step 4: Spend most of the day in temple. First of all, by being in temple you literally can't eat. Even Kelso could figure that out! But the other more important reason, is that spending so much time in temple will make you lose your appetite. There definitely comes a point where staring at such horrifically ugly floral outfits on old Jewish women makes you lose your appetite. It usually happens around hour 6, so stick around.

Step 5: Watch Family Guy more often. Duh!

L'shanah tovah, fans and friends. Have an easy fast, and try not to go and google me to see if I've done any nudity in my movies. For that matter, don't google Bea Arthur's vagina either. There's no amount of atoning that will fix that.

Respectfully Yours,
Mila Kunis


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Anonymous Not Chosen said...

Thank you for this. I've been in the market for an all-inclusive Yom Kippur guide. Now I definitely won't fuck up!

8:47 AM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

I hate pork chops. Wot about sausages instead, wid Mila providing the sauce!


7:53 AM  
Anonymous another jew said...

Sweet, you are Jewish!!! Now Adam Sandler can add you to this year's song.

10:19 PM  

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