Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I'd Eat Britney's....Food

Somebody just paid more than $500 for Britney Spears' half-eaten egg salad sandwich. Big fucking deal. The same sale also came with a corn dog that was supposedly mostly eaten by K-Fed, but that Britney also took a chomp out of. Wowsers. Britney's half-devoured food is worth half a grand? Tell me something I don't know. I would have paid $5,000 dollars for it. It's not because I like Britney. I just love egg salad and corn dogs.

One time, while on the set of Everybody Loves Raymond (I won an Emmy for that show. Did you know that? I did. Really. I can act. I have severe gigantism and I can act. Little known fact.), I ate 10 corn dogs in 20 minutes. I didn't even chew. Just swallowed those things whole like a cartoon cat eating a fish. Just one gulp and they were down inside my monstrously disproportionate body. And I washed them all down with a milkshake made solely of egg salad and milk. Sound good? It's great. That's why I'd bid for Britney's food. I don't care if she ate them or didn't eat them or what. I just want to eat egg salad and corn dogs all day. Cuz I need lots of sustenance. Remember, I'm a giant among men.

So, next time you see an egg salad and corn dog combination bid for on E-bay, think of Brad Garrett. I'm a charitable man, and an egg salad and corn dog fanatic. Weird? Perhaps. But so is the popularity of Kevin Costner, and we don't question that.

Eatingly Yours,
Brad Garrett


Original JLH petition

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Anonymous Dan said...

You think you can get HER to take her top off? I'd rather have JLH, but I'll take what I can get...


8:45 PM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

Put a wig on 'er and she'd look mighty simlar to da JLH.

Lost her voice, huh? I'm still searchin' for mine.

6:29 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

She lip syncs anyhow. Not sure why it would affect her concerts...

10:01 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

You are as wise as you are hot, oh splendiferous GiGi

12:22 PM  
Anonymous bobgirrl said...

I lost my voice last week and people were actually applauding. (Of course I kept my top on.)

3:44 AM  
Blogger T. said...

What's fascinating is that she couldn't sing when she HAD her voice either!

5:02 AM  
Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

Lachey has the clap

10:19 AM  
Blogger TNIRISHFAN said...

Lachey doesn't have the clap, the clap has Lachey. Unless in his prolific hollywood gangbang he did someone who did someone who did Paris Hilton, then he has the clap and herpes.

7:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I take issue with your comment about Kevin Costner's popularity. He's been a has been for quite some time as he hasn't been in anything. Now he's coming out with an Ashton Kutcher movie about 1.5 years too late. At least Brad Garrett has a pilot to cling to (that is until it gets cancelled). I give it five episodes

3:01 PM  

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