Thursday, September 07, 2006

Kobe: Trust Me, I Know How to Fix Team USA

Team USA just came back from a disgraceful showing at the FIBA semifinals. Just flat out shameful. More shameful than Kazaam. More shameful than Paris Hilton's DUI. Even more shameful than Alyssa Milano's hairy arms. Losing to Greece, despite having Wade, Lebron, Carmelo, Chris Bosh, and the spirit of Dwayne Schintzius' mullet was the biggest embarrassment in the history of the sport of basketball. Commentators can say what they want, but it's all because of one thing: lack of chemistry. And by chemistry I mean me.

What team USA needs is my great chemistry. Even though I'm known as a selfish, brooding egotist, I'm actually a great team player. Quite possibly, I have single-handedly become the greatest team player in all of the NBA. Sometimes I'm such a good team player, that I don't even need the rest of the team. We win because of my special gift for inspiring my teammates to rally around my singular greatness. That's pure chemistry, if you ask me (do you really need to ask anyone else?).

Seriously, ask anyone about the chemistry I bring to teams, and I guarantee they'll say, "Oh yeah, Kobe's alllll about chemistry." They'll also probably smile, shake their head and chuckle when they say it, because they too are infected with my rare gift for bringing chemistry to team situations. That's why Team USA needs me so badly. They need me to come in and show them how chemistry works. They need to just give me the ball and let me display my chemistry talents as I drive to the basket or shoot a three out of a triple-team. You can't spell "chemistry of team sports like basketball" without a K-O-B-E.

So, cheer up Team USA. You just need some chemistry to win, and I'm going to bring it to you...whether you like it or not.

Rapingly Yours,
Kobe Bryant


Original JLH petition

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