Monday, September 11, 2006

Magilla Gorilla: I Agree With PETA About Steve Irwin

Dear World,

First of all, let me express my deepest condolences about Steve Irwin. It's always tragic when somebody dies early, especially a father, husband, and friend. That being said, I won't mourn his death. In fact, I may silently cheer. He was no friend of my people. PETA was right when they said, "It comes as no shock at all that Steve Irwin should die provoking a dangerous animal. He made a career out of antagonizing frightened wild animals, which is a very dangerous message to send to kids.". Many of you watched his antics and laughed. But you didn't know how we animals felt. He violated us on a daily basis both on and off camera. You may not know this, but Steve Irwin raped me.

I don't ask for much in this world. All I want is to be sold from Mr. Peebles pet shop. Sadly, this dream has been fulfilled and then taken away from me on a weekly basis. But instead of consoling me, like a true animal lover would, Steve Irwin taunted me with bananas and then wrestled me to the ground like one of his crocs. I won't tell you what he did with the bananas once we were on the ground. But let's just say I felt a special bond with the prisoners of Oz (Mr. Peebles had HBO, and would let me watch some of the original programming. I really like Deadwood, but feel annoyed watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. Is it just me, or is Larry David, a bald asshole?).

Anyway, I'm very sorry for Steve Irwin's family, but I'm sure the animal community shares my lack of obvious concern. He was a menace to my people, much like Arliss was a menace to HBO's original programming lineup.

Yours Truly,
Magilla Gorilla


Original JLH petition

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Anonymous bobgirrl said...

One wonders what Wilford Brimley would think of this.

3:28 PM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

Wilford is a big animal hater (the serial pissed off hate most things), so he probably wouldn't agree with Mr. M. Gorilla

6:18 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Seriously, you're wicked funny.

Way funnier than Arliss.

4:25 AM  

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