Thursday, September 14, 2006

Wilford Brimley Speaks Out About Whitney and Bobby



Dear America and Sometimes God Damn Canada,

I begin today's pissed off comment on a sad God damn note. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have separated. Take a God damn minute and think about that. Has it settled in yet? No? Well it hasn't for me either. I been a part of this relationship thing my whole life, and they had the best God damn relationship I ever saw. It don't make no sense to me that they broke up. Seeing them apart is like tellin' me that The Diabetes ain't important or that Quaker Oats oatmeal tastes like Quaker State motor oil - it just ain't natural. Whitney and Bobby belong together. I should know as I introduced them.

A lot of people don't know this, but I was a big God damn influence on New Edition back in the day. Hell, their song Candy Girl is actually about me. When they sing the lines "Candy girl/you are my world/you look so sweet/you're a special treat", they're actually talking about my prostate. Big fans of the prostate, they were. I had to talk them outta naming their group The Prostates, as I thought it was a God damn stupid name. Thankfully, they listened to me and used New Edition. The point is, I was tight with the group, and developed a special bond with Bobby.

One time I threw a hell of a God damn party at my ranch, and I invited Bobby to join us. I also invited this cute little youngin' named Whitney. I introduced them, smoked some God damn crack with them, and the rest is God damn history. Unfortunately, the two of them kept at the crack thing for a bit too long. Crack ain't really a bad thing if done in moderation. You see, I don't get addicted because I just give my body a stern talkin' to if I start feeling crack withdrawal, and it knows best to stop shakin'. Whitney wasn't as lucky, and now she's in a hell of a mess. I gotta tell ya', I'm disappointed as I really thought those two were meant for each other.

You see, I got into this whole God damn life coach business to help poor sacks of shit like Bobby and Whitney. They need my help, and God damnit I'm going to give it to them. But I can't give no help when they go and split up like this. It's a quitters way out. Did I quit on life when I got The Diabetes? No, I got stronger. Did I quit when This Old House was canceled? No. Did I quit on my marriage after I became intimately involved with Bea Arthur's Vagina? No, it just made sex a bit awkward. My point is that Whitney and Bobby are acting like quitters and it just makes me sad as all hell. And when I get sad, I get pissed off. And when I get pissed off, heads roll.

So if you value your life, Ms. Houston and Mr. Brown, you better get back together. Or your gonna have to answer to me. And I ain't in the mood.


Pissed Off,
Wilford Brimley


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Original JLH petition


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2 Comments:

Anonymous Amy said...

Damn. I thought it was a love that would last forever.

6:28 PM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

On the money again, dude. Reckon Whitney'll fancy some rumpy pumpy with an auld Buffalo?

Birdy

8:29 AM  

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