Monday, October 02, 2006

Erasing 5700 Years Of Culture With One Frappuccino®

It's official. I'm corporate swine. After 28 years, two corporate jobs, one Harvard business school acceptance and 1 half-dozen button-down blue-shirts I still had my morals. I gave money for environmental causes, wrote and performed anti-establishment/anti-celebrity comedy, helped old ladies cross the least most of the way, didn't vote for Representative Foley, and most importantly - valued my family and faith over all else (except sex). Well, that was destroyed in one fell swoop tonight when I broke my Yom Kippur fast at the local Starbucks.

Some people have bagels and lox - I had an M&M cookie. Some drink Orange juice and water - I had a White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino® Blended Coffee. Some relish in the camaraderie and inclusiveness of a night with family and friends - I enjoyed the company of a local homeless woman named "Julie" who comes in every day to get a free cup of water. Potato - Po-latte.

I used to be a nice little Jewish boy who went to temple at least once a week or year. But now I'm just a corporate shill, drinking the caffeine-laced Kool-Aid and shunning my religion in favor of a standardized corporate product harvested on the backs of exploited workers. I've traveled a sad descent into the ugly world of globalization, officially entrenching myself in the Military-Industrial Complex. A sad descent, indeed.

But you know what? I'm okay with my fate, because that was a damn good cup of coffee. Seriously, it felt so good when that friggin' Frappuccino® hit my lips. And upon further reflection, I'm not only okay with my fate, but I welcome it and encourage others to share in my transition. Embrace the inner corporate swine within yourself. Don't call your mother and tell her you miss her - go out and buy something for yourself at the GAP. Don't help out at a soup kitchen - buy some Nike products. And most importantly, don't subscribe to any religion - worship at the altar that is Starbucks. You know you want it.

-Concerned Fan

Jennifer Love Hewitt content returns tomorrow.


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better, I broke fast with a taro flavored bubble tea

8:14 AM  
Anonymous Dan Patterson said...

Happy Holidays.

And welcome to adulthood, known to perpetual children as the dark side. Your innermost feelings, and contempt for things not meeting adolescent standards of purity and purpose make no difference here. Conspiracy theories of the sort that make college students certain that "there was a controlled demolition", and that Mumia is innocent, and that Che is a fine role model for the down-trodden, and that a succesful business is rightfully deamonized for being successful all belong in fantasy land. Along with the idea that having a cup of coffee at Stabucks makes someone a heathen member of a corporate cult.

Here in the adult world a good cup of coffee is just a good cup of coffee. And it doesn't matter much if it is poured from an earthen-ware jug by a hairy-armpitted artist or self-served from a stainless steel container. It's not a standardized corporate product, it isn't Kool-Aid, it's a cup of coffee and it doesn't matter.

The military/industrial complex is not out to get you, and you really can speak with your mother and tell her you miss her, help out at a soup kitchen, and make use of the goods and services offered by globalized corporations without being a corporate shill. And without shunning your religion.

Exploited workers may have something to say about loosing their jobs, by the way. If someone doesn't buy Starbucks coffee, someone else can't be paid to harvest it. Someday that same person, exploited though they may be, may look back on their life thankful for the opportunity to have improved themselves through greedy capitalism. Otherwise they might be struggling to scratch out a living from subsistance farming. Evil life improving things like the capital to provide electricity and water may not matter to perpetual children, but I imagine they mean a lot to the guy who used to catch grasshoppers for supper.

Now if we can all get on with getting JLH to take her top off, our descent will be complete.

Dan Patterson
Arrogant Infidel

8:23 AM  
Blogger A Concerned Fan said...

Um...yeah. Naked JLH rules.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Not Chosen said...

If it makes you feel any better, I broke fast with 8 a.m. on Monday.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous another bad jew said...

dear not chosen,

It does my heart good to know that there are other Jews like you around on this holiest of days, doing such un-holy things. And bacon!!! Good job. (and thank you)
good Yom Tov to all

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK - I sympathize with the pull to Starbucks for YK. But, next year, even if you don't go to synagogue, get away from the strip mall for one day. Yom Kippur's not about keeping up appearances or making mom happy -- it's about distancing yourself from the rest of the world for one day and taking a moral inventory -- and assuming responsibility for your actions and understanding why you're sorry. About getting your head out of your crotch and getting "deep". And understanding that other Jews go through the same kind of ethical/moral struggles as you do. Try baby steps. Judaism ain't the LSAT.

12:01 AM  
Blogger Joe said...

do not be a cunt, asswipe.

3:33 AM  
Blogger birdandbuffalo said...

You coffee slut! Spread 'em wide for the froth, dude! :)


12:19 PM  

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