Monday, October 16, 2006

Hey Jennifer Love Hewitt, It's Time To Throw Down

Dear Jennifer Love Hewitt,

Long time no speak. It's been a while since I've addressed the issue about which I am most passionate in all of life - seeing your breasts in an issue of Playboy. Some may call that a sad life's calling. I respectfully disagree. I think your sweater monkeys are worthy of my life's ambition. You see, I am unafraid to embrace seemingly trivial objectives if I truly believe their essence is noble. And I challenge anyone to argue against the concept of your exposed fun bags as the most noble of all objects in the cosmos.

Yet, when it comes to showing your hallowed half-moons to a world who so desperately craves them, you falter. Why is this? Why do you pose for American Way magazine, but not for Playboy? Along with Stuff!, Parade, and The New Yorker, American Way magazine represents the lowest form of the written word. A step-up from stereo instructions, American Way magazine is the preferred reading material for blind illiterate people with severe learning disabilities. Reading an article in American Way magazine is like listening to a llama or Jeff Goldblum recite erotic poetry. And you conduct an interview with them? I would chastise you, but I'm too busy gently sobbing. Once again one of your career choices has baffled me.

Although I do take solace in one thing. How good can your career be right now if you are indeed doing interviews for American Way magazine? If things continue along this path you may even end up in a spread for Penthouse or Hustler or Vanity Fair. While I don't really wish for that to happen, it's still better than the Horse Whisperer. Seriously, I've had colonoscopies better than that show. I'm sure Katie Couric has too.

Nonetheless, my point remains the same: it is time for you to disrobe. Please do not waste your considerable talents, both of them, on such drivel as American Way magazine. You owe it to your fans, yourself, and most importantly - me. I urge you, Ms. Hewitt, to make the right choice.

Best Regards,
A Concerned Fan


Original Jennifer Love Hewitt petition

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Anonymous Corndog said...

Dear Sweet, Erotic Jennifer:


With warmest personal regards,

(Name withheld due to restraining order)

7:38 AM  
Blogger Slinky Redfoot said...

I would love to see her tits. OOPS! Did I just say that?

12:39 PM  

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